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What if you could equip yourself with strategies to combat narcissism and emerge stronger from a divorce? Our latest episode promises to arm you with the knowledge and tools to navigate difficult divorces involving narcissistic behavior. The conversation steers towards the effects of narcissism on relationships and the importance of setting boundaries, practicing forgiveness, and understanding that not all relationships are beneficial.
Topics include:
Expanding on the narrative of narcissistic behavior, we delve into the perils of narcissistic parenting, providing insights on how to break this detrimental cycle if it manifests in your relationships. We bring up the importance of maintaining a record of all communication and the need to avoid sending out texts in anger. Further, we tackle the challenging topic of having an alcoholic parent and the impact it has on one's perception of alcoholism. We advocate for the importance of seeking legal advice during a divorce, particularly from a seasoned attorney who understands the nuances of narcissistic behaviors.
In the concluding part of this riveting episode, we explore the concepts of emotional detachment, dating post-divorce, and the critical aspect of supporting children through these trying times. Providing a broader perspective, we discuss recognizing narcissistic behavior outside the home - in workplaces, churches, and even schools. We wrap up with strategies for dealing with different types of narcissists and the importance of self-care during these challenging periods. Join us in this empowering conversation that promises to equip you with the necessary tools to navigate the journey of divorce recovery and build healthier relationships.
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Speaker 2:Solid, monthly.
Speaker 1:Welcome everybody out there to divorce, civil episode 139. It just flows, man, we just go. Do you notice I don't cut stuff in the beginning?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I know, like I let it.
Speaker 1:And I just put it on the internet welcome to David, and partly yeah.
Speaker 2:All right, fuck off, all right so episode divorce of episode 139.
Speaker 1:Today we're talking about narcissism, and narcissism can happen before, during or after divorce. So Once again, this is divorced devil podcast. Rachel and David. We talk about healing Post-divorce, but you can apply all these things to during or pre-divorce. Relationships, yeah, just if you knew some of the shit you knew post-divorce, your divorce wouldn't be so bad.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm makes sense, yeah all right, I think, when I was going through my divorce to and learning what these things were like love, languages and divorce and you know, like narcissism and all the different types and, yeah, and plug-in vibrators and AC DC. Usb port ones you know all those things I've learned I could have used before.
Speaker 1:I gotta use something.
Speaker 2:So and it's not just your partner, it's other people in your life that you allow these things you don't say. Number one boundaries. Look at that way. I segment into that.
Speaker 1:I think our top two things in divorce recovery is boundaries and self-care. Mm-hmm by far Nothing else comes close.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, yeah. I think a lot of times. Forgiveness as sorry. I Think I just growled. I'm pretty sure I growled, I think. See, you made me lose my train. I know I think too. If this doesn't just stem from a relationship, like a lot of people have narcissistic parents and don't understand so you either become a A narcissist also, or you become the empathic person who has dealt with a narcissist Don't know that it's a trait that's not supposed to Be like. You're not you like expected. Yeah. So I think you know if you had a narcissistic parent and you never knew there was an issue until you went to college and moved away or got married or did whatever, and then you're like, wait, people don't act like that, or I, I didn't know normal. Yeah, how? How is that not a thing, when I've seen it my whole life? And then if you get into a family, you know marriage. If you get into a Family that is narcissistic or have those traits, I think you you cling on to that because it's normal, but you don't really realize how much that's actually affecting you until you get divorced.
Speaker 1:So what are some of the strategies and or tactics we can use to combat narcissism?
Speaker 2:Well, when you're setting your boundaries, my favorite is the new one. It's no, with no excuse, and Mike drop just now. And you can say you know I can't, you can do that, but there doesn't have to be my grandmother's Steps, sisters, brothers, uncles, nuff, you died that day and it didn't. You know, it's in the future.
Speaker 1:Like you know, walk away.
Speaker 2:You don't have to make up an excuse to be like I feel bad for saying no, but I want them to know that I want to be there but I don't really know no, no, no, just say no no just say no.
Speaker 1:Be our mantra no, no, no, forgiveness.
Speaker 2:Yeah, just say no, but that one, and I'm sorry that's not gonna work for me today. My like my friends at work, even say that do I. I'm like no, sorry, that's not gonna work for me today people.
Speaker 1:But thanks for asking but thanks for asking go sit, quantum go sit, sweet, oh the puppy.
Speaker 2:Um, yeah, so we say that it'll work a lot. No, I'm sorry that's not gonna work for me today, but thanks for asking.
Speaker 1:It's actually on my whiteboard. I'm a trendsetter, you are, that's Gary.
Speaker 2:And I still think, though, a lot of times when I want to do something, but I don't have the energy to do something and it's with someone I care about, like a friend or something, I was like no, well, the well, what can I come up with? They'll feel okay for me not coming. No, I just, I'm Exhausted, like school. Yeah school started back this week here in our elementary school, and yeah, so no but what happens when the narcissist, narcissistic person, narcissistic person keeps hounding you? You have to put up that wall, that proverbial wall going. You know, I set up boundary. If you're not a gun, if you're not going to respect it, well, I guess maybe you're not gonna be in my life and At some point you're either gonna miss me or it's just gonna. It dissolves a lot of times when you set boundaries, especially if you've been the person that's been the victim of a narcissist. It it can get really bad. It can get really, really bad. But if you're the victim of a narcissist and they go away and your life gets better, you're like you know what? I don't want that pattern anymore, and so you're able to learn too, because you don't have that constant badgering and that constant belittling or whatever that is. I think it's a constant guilt too. I feel like the most the narcissist that I have dealt with have been like oh, you hurt my feelings because you spoke up. Well, I finally fucking spoke up because you're you're mean to me.
Speaker 1:You're an asshole.
Speaker 2:You're an asshole. So a lot of times when you start to speak up and someone has a problem with it, you can see pretty quickly or after a couple times that you weren't the problem while we both Realize that not everybody needs to be your friend and not every family member needs to be in your life. Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:So just because our family doesn't mean, you know what I think.
Speaker 2:That comes with two. Like you know, there's a family member I don't talk to. Do I miss her? I miss her on like the occasions, like my nieces and nephews' birthday. I miss her on the holidays. I miss her on my parents. You know passing dates. But I don't miss the guilt. I don't miss the you didn't do enough for me. I don't miss the crazy saga, blah, blah, blah. Call me. Oh, what was me? What was me? And then I give you some ideas and it's like well, no, I can't do that. Well then, why the fuck did you call me? Why did you? Was it just a cry or a whine or whatever? I am a big believer now too, is don't come to me with your problem, come to me with a resolution. Like you know, I said it before. My dad said you know excuses, with excuses, like you have to have a resolution, there's no excuse. You just tell me what your problem is, tell me how you're going to fix it. I don't want to solve your problem for you. So you're so mean. No, but like you have to want to solve your problem too, when you come, you know you have to want to solve it, you don't? You can whine, you can vent, you can have moments of venting.
Speaker 1:Cause, especially with girlfriends or whatever. But you need something in the back of your mind that you have a resolution. So here's my problem.
Speaker 2:Like last week when I came to you with a problem, you're like, okay, well, that's not your problem, it's really not your problem. The other people need to figure it out. And just because you're observing the problem doesn't mean that it's your problem.
Speaker 1:But you have to live in the problem.
Speaker 2:And then one thing too, like if it's in my space and I'm seeing it and I'm having to interact with it. I don't have to, I can observe it go, okay. Well, I know not to deal with that person, or I know not to do that. But in the minute of it you want to vent. So what was my solution? You gave me good advice, I gave the people good advice and it now it's worked out. So thank you, david. You know the drug goes wild, yeah. So, um, you know you need to resolve the excuses. You need to work at doing that. You need to figure out what your what's. The end game and again, setting boundaries is peace. The end game of setting boundaries with a narcissist is peace.
Speaker 1:Did you like when I, when I followed up Monday morning.
Speaker 2:Yes, no murders had happened. David will send me like check your email please. Did you kill anybody?
Speaker 1:yet no.
Speaker 2:Did you throw a punch? Anybody, no.
Speaker 1:Why not.
Speaker 2:How are you feeling?
Speaker 1:Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:I don't know, haha, dirt nap, dirt nap, yeah.
Speaker 1:So boundaries is our number one way to combat narcissism. Uh, what's another one? So number two focus on self care. Once again, those are the, those are the two man. Self care Care about yourself more so than you care others, because you can't take care of others, you don't take care of yourself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and again I keep going back to if you had like say you had a mother who was a narcissist, and mothers generally are the nurturing this, the fathers, the more like the stern and let's teach you how to be. You know, this is respect. Moms are more like coddling or whatever. So if you had a narcissistic mom who was, you know, the in the limelight, I like to say, because that's generally what it is, I'm better, you're gonna do this, you're gonna whatever. I'm the focus of your life and my life. Well, no, that's not how it works. So I think, self care it is really hard when you've had a narcissistic parent. Now, if you've also had a narcissistic spouse, you are always taking care of that person because you don't want them to be upset, because in their upsetness you are now upset and you get no peace. And I think the big deal here with narcissism is finding peace because-.
Speaker 1:At any cost.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know one of the narcissists in my life. It was always about her, and if she wasn't happy, then a whole entire family would fall apart. Like what, we're all having a great life over here, and then you get upset that someone didn't call you to do something, or you found out that we hung out together, or whatever it's. Oh, what was me? If it wasn't for me, you know, none of you would be here. Well, fuck off. So I think self care is also like a self resiliency. You need to literally fight for yourself. You need to be your own advocate.
Speaker 1:So I think, and I just got this thought, you know I have those big thoughts, Right.
Speaker 2:See the light bulbs going off. Oh yeah, you lost it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, I got it. So a narcissistic mom, I think, is the worst Cause number one. She's a narcissist and she's nurturing, so those two things, that's like the devil.
Speaker 2:Well, and then you get into a relationship thinking like okay this is fine Now as the mom or the spouse or whatever. This is how I'm supposed to treat people, because this is how my mom or you know. And again, if you have a narcissistic father, holy fuck, that's scary too, like if it's all about him and Anybody a narcissist man. Anybody. Like I said, dads are supposed to be that. You know, here's my respect. If you have a narcissistic dad and it's all about him and it's his things, that can be detrimental too, because you're like, oh, I'm the guy, I'm supposed to be this, I'm supposed to do that, I'm supposed to treat people like this. But I want you to respect me. But you know, if-. Especially for sons, it's okay for, yeah, it's okay for me to disrespect you and I need to be the strongest, loudest, you know, most intense person in the room. So parent, parental narcissism will bleed into relationships, marriages, friendships, because it's cyclical, right Cause it's working its way through the generations. And so if you're a narcissist, you should probably look back to see how your parents handled things and you know you might need to break a cycle. You might need to say you know what. I might be a narcissist because and again, it's not an excuse that cause you can you decide who you?
Speaker 1:are. You can't say that my dad killed somebody so I killed somebody else with it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's a. I'm supposed to do that. I inherited it but you know, a lot of times abused people. Narcissism is a form of abuse abused people.
Speaker 1:So hurt people, hurt people, hurt people.
Speaker 2:So I think at some point someone has to be like you know what.
Speaker 1:Stop the madness. I'm an asshole.
Speaker 2:I don't treat people nice, I talk to people belittlingly or whatever. So I think sometimes we have to look inside of ourselves and say you know what? This is the trends that I had seen. This is how I grew up and, again, it's not always that. Sometimes you might have a trauma and that may cause you to be a narcissist, like you know. I remember after my divorce dating I was like fuck you, no, I'm just going to be mean. And I got to the point, was like, even if I like someone dating, I'm like no, no, all men are stupid, all men suck, all men are this.
Speaker 1:And then maybe, after you think of that, go to number three seek professional help. He just rolled off the tongue, man.
Speaker 2:That was a good one.
Speaker 1:You're like crazy. You need professional help. Men and women, do not overrate professional help.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think too it's great, because a lot of I can say this for myself I think I'm great until I look in the mirror and go, oh, you know, I probably snapped and I probably jump jump to a conclusion, or I was in the midst of someone else something, and someone else came in and so I was rude, and you know I'm sorry for that, like I would be apologizing. But unless you look in the mirror and take your own, Sorry, making faces in the camera. If you don't own your shit, you're a narcissist, yep, you know. If you do know wrong and think you're perfect and everybody else sucks, and blah, blah, blah. There's days where I'm like, okay, I am the only normal one, and if that's happening, we know all the world is falling apart. I know, definitely. So you have to own it Like I'm a squirrel. I own it Like I know my brain sometimes scatters. But I could also be like I don't care, I don't fucking care, I don't fucking care. And then what is that doing? This breaking relationship?
Speaker 1:So it's almost to the point where, sometimes, where the narcissism can be dangerous. So, you want to do? Number four, document everything. I'm not rolling, I just like.
Speaker 2:It also goes with professional help, cause that doctor is definitely going to write down all the shit you say when you're seeking help. No, I think when you document things, especially going through divorce, if you're dealing with a narcissist, on the other end, they will use your words to twist them into what they think benefits them. And then, when you're in court and you're fighting it, they're like well, she said this and I go. Well, actually, you said this and here's the text and we had talked about too. There is an app that's parent, what's that?
Speaker 1:Or there's a different parental app.
Speaker 2:There's a parental app, and there is also like an app for when you're going through divorce, like, if you can't communicate, you can do it through this, and so it goes to the court Like it's.
Speaker 1:And if you have anger issues, don't text.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Remember our proverbial K. K.
Speaker 2:K.
Speaker 1:Don't text yeah.
Speaker 2:I have a thousand times texted, not just to my spouse, but to someone that I'm, you know, a friend or some muscambling or whatever. Wrote the whole thing out, texted the whole thing out, and then they'll be the day Thumbs exhausted yeah. Just all the ships, not blood. You know? Snotty nose cry texting blah. That can't take you and it's done. And then you get deleted. All it's been put out in the universe. You're no longer holding onto it.
Speaker 1:K Kind of like Charling Charling on a phone.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:Yeah, don't send a text, angry text, especially with the drunk angry texts.
Speaker 1:Well, you don't have any control sometimes. Ah, fuck.
Speaker 2:You know if you're a drunk angry that's like a double whammy you should have to start with I'm drunk.
Speaker 1:I'm drunk, so nothing I say.
Speaker 2:But if that has to go to the court, the court's like oh, she's drunk, she's drunk, I'm just gonna do that all the time now, yeah, I'm gonna just do that in all my texts I'm drunk.
Speaker 1:I'm drunk.
Speaker 2:Even if I'm not. But you also have to stay focused on your goals, which is our number five. Yes, guys.
Speaker 1:This is for.
Speaker 2:Poo Maintain a clear vision of your goals for post-divorce life and focus on building a new future. By directing your energy towards your own growth and happiness, you can minimize the impact of a narcissist's behavior on your own well-being.
Speaker 1:So don't waste your time, yeah.
Speaker 2:I think a lot of times we focus on just getting back or just getting even oh yeah, or just I'm gonna get the last word Pay back. I'm gonna get the last word. I'm gonna make you know how much you've hurt me. Sorry about the big goal, but ooh, it's dry here, Just so you can say I told you so, or I'm smarter than you, or I'm right, you're wrong. Oh, hell yeah.
Speaker 1:I've got a friend who's having problems with his mom and I love his guy. He's a great guy. Yeah, he's an excellent guy, probably from college right, but it's yeah, yeah, from college, yeah, yeah. So he and his mom are kind of on the outs, but now they're back together and she's older and she's just meaner than snot, just mean.
Speaker 2:Like the boomer mean or like the.
Speaker 1:Mr T Madia, times 10. I've been in a book Me. I paid, oh, just mean. So what he does is that when she starts grinding him in, you know, you're no good, you're just like your father. What he does, he goes. Yeah, you're right.
Speaker 2:And just so what you do is you limit communication, which is number six. No, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 1:You agree to every bad thing you've ever done and it takes away the power, the control. Well, and that oh, that is so great.
Speaker 2:Sorry, I'm just thinking about the times I've done that. I'm a bastard. Yes, I am. I'm a bastard.
Speaker 1:Thank you when you use their words at them.
Speaker 2:Oh God, he's so great, it's almost like sex. Oh, vibrator, vibrator size yes, five, five Plugged in all day, ready to be disconnected.
Speaker 1:What's your name? Usb, usb, usb. Use their words. They're like what, what you just say? Why are you so mean to me? I?
Speaker 2:was to get. I'm like, yeah, because I'm the one who's mean. I'm just thinking it for myself bully.
Speaker 1:You're a bully. That's what a lot.
Speaker 2:I think a narcissist is basically a bully. It's a bully and a lot of times I think someone who's? Narcissist, don't know until someone tells them, like there's people in my life. Obviously they are narcissists, but they still don't believe it, though, when you tell them.
Speaker 1:But unless people continue to say you know what?
Speaker 2:You're a fucking narcissist, you're a fucking asshole. You're me and you're a bully they never accept you, no one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and again I, I, you can't heal unless you accept your own bullshit.
Speaker 2:And so narcissists don't do that. How many narcissists out there do you think?
Speaker 1:have been healed, I think, if someone is truly willing to change.
Speaker 2:Like I said, how many narcissists out there have had a narcissist.
Speaker 1:How many narcissists out there have actually healed? Not?
Speaker 2:very many, like one at a hundred.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And I think again, we don't want to say we're at fault. People in general don't want to be wrong. Right, and no one does. But I think even when I was going through my divorce at rock bottom, all the things I was like you know what I was, picking fights, I was doing this, I was drinking too much, I was, and it was a conscious. You have to have a conscious period of your time going huh. So if this isn't the problem, this isn't the problem, I have to be the problem, and a lot of people aren't willing to do that, like when I was drinking too much, some act of something. My parents were both alcoholics. My dad died of cirrhosis. My mom was a functioning alcoholic. At some, something, my self-cut, like my inner conscience, something was like. You know, both of your parents were alcoholics.
Speaker 1:What the hell are you doing?
Speaker 2:Why are you doing this? You're just a drink away and so I think you know my kids came into play like I don't want to be that kind of mother, like I had a great mom, like she did a lot of things, but when it was good, it was good.
Speaker 1:It was bad, it was bad.
Speaker 2:Exactly Like outwardly, everybody loved her. She was like the you know every, always involved with helping other people doing the thing. But when she was drinking, it was Dr Jack O, mr Hyde you never knew the person you were going to get, and at home that's scary Cause. Then, if you also have a dad who's super happy when he's drinking and he's trying to, you know, convince her not to be me, so you're like what the hell is happening? Like I don't know to run or hide or do what. Like then the fights and just the chaos from drinking. I think my something in my body was like, girlfriend, you need to not do that, and so thank you to whatever that was. But I think if you're not focused on changing and doing better and I think we're here and again I'm very spiritual I think we are here to be the best version of ourselves, to leave an imprint, that's great and don't leave behind this shit. Like, change how your children see you know, alcohol, alcoholism, change that DNA, if you would say. And again, if you don't stay focused on making it better for other people or your family, or even just yourself, like, heal some of your traumas, heal some of your wounds from past and relationships, siblings, friends, all the stuff, all these things can you know be put into action with these things?
Speaker 1:Seek legal advice.
Speaker 2:Yeah Well, six was limit communication and you know we're on podcast so we don't know how to do that.
Speaker 1:So no, no, talk, talk, talk. Hey, don't text Talk it to. Don't text drunk.
Speaker 2:When you start a text, even if you're not drunk, just make it say I'm drunk, Okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, preface it with. I'm drunk, yeah, so kiss my ass.
Speaker 2:Or you can start it with fucking bad day and then just go on, go on with your bad time.
Speaker 1:I don't think that's really going to work in a court of law.
Speaker 2:Legal advice too, I think, once you seek professional support. I remember sitting in like in a divorce circle basically divorce group and people were talking and they're like well, you know that's illegal, you know that that's abuse, you know that. And people aren't aware that some of the things that they've gone through are because you're so used to it. You're not aware that verbal abuse is also abuse. It's called that right. So if you've been belittled and brought down and made to think you're less than your partner or your anybody, that's abuse and legal advice can help you Like some of that is definitely, you know, defamation of character. Some of that is you know you're harassing me, now you're harassing me and there's harassment laws and there's especially texting harassment laws. There are some laws like if you text someone and you're saying mean stuff and they say stop and you don't stop, you can be fine, you can be fine money. So again, seek, legal advice Text drunk. Okay, maybe I shouldn't text drunk, but I'm a fun fun drunk, I think. I'm like I love everybody, yeah, but dance on the table.
Speaker 1:No, you're going through a divorce.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, no, no, give my father the piece of spouse and like unblock them, you know occasionally.
Speaker 1:So consult with an experienced divorce attorney who understands narcissistic behaviors. I think every attorney's been through that, so I think most of them know that the ends and outs oh the narcissistic clients?
Speaker 2:yeah too, like just in general, like oh, it's all her fault, it's all her, it's all him, it's all you know. And again, this is not gender bias. There are both sides. And yes, there are both sides.
Speaker 1:There's some guys out there getting their asses kicked. Oh yeah, oh yeah, immensely and physically.
Speaker 2:And a lot of guy I think I was. I don't know what I saw it on, but there was a thing where, like you know well, johnny Depp, look at that case. She's fucking crazy and she was a narcissist and like he was so in love with her that he let her just treat him wherever because he didn't wanna break up with her. There's a lot of men out there, there's a lot of women out there that won't break up with their narcissist because no one else is gonna love me, because he tells me all the time. She tells me all the time that you're worth this or this.
Speaker 1:you're that that's not true, people you are all worth.
Speaker 2:Know your value, find your worth and seek happiness, because it really is worth it.
Speaker 1:So an attorney can guide you through the legal process and help you develop strategies to protect your rights and navigate any challenging situations that may arise.
Speaker 2:I mean look at number eight, practice emotional detachment. Hello.
Speaker 1:I just talked about that.
Speaker 2:That's a tough one though you can't, you don't want to leave because you don't think you're worth it.
Speaker 1:That takes a lot of practice.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's hard.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so you need to date a lot of women to do that.
Speaker 2:You need a serial date to figure out which ones are not narcissistic.
Speaker 1:Well, no, you serial date. And then you cut the cord Like cord.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's how you practice, you just ghost them.
Speaker 1:No, cut the cord.
Speaker 2:Oh.
Speaker 1:You know the breakups seriously. You know it's not you, it's me. Practice your breakup lines. I'm seeing five therapists.
Speaker 2:Make yourself sound crazy. This is all David talking about his life experiences.
Speaker 1:I got four women pregnant last week, so I had to.
Speaker 2:I got seven women on my mind, four that wanna use me, two that wanna that's something I don't know. It's something like that. Friends, you know what I'm talking about. So breakup.
Speaker 1:We all have a breakup episode one day.
Speaker 2:How to break up, how to break up after post divorce recovery. I think it was see that's, that's see when I was doing that, when.
Speaker 1:I was the. When I'm dating.
Speaker 2:I was pretty good at going, no, no no, just just like boom.
Speaker 1:You too funny.
Speaker 2:You, you, you walked crooked.
Speaker 1:You too funny. You're some mac in. Yeah, this ain't no party.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you aren't tall enough, you, you, you, you talk to the way, just mean.
Speaker 1:Man, emotional detachment. That's you, baby. You got a PhD, you can. You can cut it. You got the cut of it coming. I'm like I know sorry.
Speaker 2:And then, of course, when I do get like emotionally involved, it's like, oh well, then I have to date again, and then it's, it is I might as well stay in it, cause I'm lazy, it's, it's, it's comfortable yeah, and that's a word, comfortable.
Speaker 1:We've we've all stayed too long.
Speaker 2:We know you did.
Speaker 1:No, no, no, we've all stayed too long.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, Well.
Speaker 1:I mean Not just me In divorce general, I mean. Well, I was in it for a long time Post divorce.
Speaker 2:But post divorce.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, but you cut it quicker than me.
Speaker 2:Yeah Well, cause you're just a sap.
Speaker 1:I was lazy.
Speaker 2:No, I was lazy. Yeah, I thought so too. You're lazy cause you don't want to date again. You don't want to. You want to swipe right or left anymore.
Speaker 1:I don't want to swipe anymore, I want to just just camp out.
Speaker 2:You want to get it.
Speaker 1:Get it, get it, get it, get it. Number nine Keep children's will being a priority. Kids are a priority, man. Don't use them as a weapon. They didn't decide, but you do, man. Oh, trust me.
Speaker 2:They were. They did not decide to get married. They did not decide to the person that you picked to be their parent, other parent. They are the innocent bystanders here and they have to go through all the emotions. Even though they're not going through the divorce part, they're also getting divorced. Their parents are getting divorced. They are going through the motions of it and see how hard it is for you. It's just as hard or harder for them because they don't understand it and they don't know your emotions, because a lot of times you try to hide it. You want them just to be. You know all the peas and carrots. Everything's peachy keen.
Speaker 1:And once again, when they're older, it's harder, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:And you have to be aware of what they're feeling. And you know, I had the incident with my son. It was like his anxiety, he was pulling out his hair and it didn't come to my attention until it was too late. So having to deal with that and talking to him and doing all things, I thought he was doing great and you know kids are really good at hiding, you know, because they don't want you to be upset either. So they'll hide how they're feeling, and then that can lead to stomach problems and you know all the things sleep problems.
Speaker 1:And cascading of that.
Speaker 2:Not wanting to go to one parent's because that one parent's sadder than the other, or I mean you'd think it's not going to a parent's house is because something's happening over the house, especially when you go to divorce.
Speaker 1:Oh, what are they?
Speaker 2:doing over there, blah, blah, blah. No, it's because I might be at the sadder parent and they don't want to leave you sad because now if you go over there, like that was a version that I didn't see, you know, until later. And I was like, oh, so you, I'm okay, no, it's good, like I'm fine. But they think you're not in the same place as that other parent. And even if you are, you know, like some days I'm clinging in my son because I haven't seen him for a while. I'm like, oh, buddy, I love you so much, and it's his dad's day. And he's like, are you okay if I leave? I'm like, oh yeah, I just want you to know how much I care about it. But kids don't see that Like. They just think, oh, my mom said I can't leave her and I have to be strong because she's sad. Well, no, it's just I missed him. So there's a lot of things that kids will present with that you don't realize are stress or anxiety or worry. Or I'm now also like the other kids in my class, I'm divorced. Well, what does that mean?
Speaker 1:So, yeah, Number 10, support network. Your village man. Your village is important. Your village, like your fellow podcaster, your friends, your boyfriend, your girlfriend. Your village man.
Speaker 2:And this was a hard one for us, because the people I thought were my old village. I had to move out of villages.
Speaker 1:But that's okay, because you learn from that yeah.
Speaker 2:And that I was also. Like you know, divorce is like a death. When you go through something shitty and the people that you thought were gonna be there aren't, that's another death, it's another like fuck, what's the shit gonna stop? And then those people that rise up like the Phoenix and like feed you because you haven't eaten or you know, tell you hey, maybe not tonight. Drink. Like, don't drink tonight, don't do that. Like how about you stay in and we watch a movie? Or how about we like go for a walk?
Speaker 1:I'm gonna just step up.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the ones that are there, remember them. And it's the front. My favorite friends are the ones I haven't seen forever, and as soon as I see them, it's like we never left each other. So find your, you know your pickup friends. They just pick up right where you left off.
Speaker 1:So remember, every situation is unique and it's important to tailor these strategies to your specific circumstances.
Speaker 2:Consider working closely with professionals who can provide Personalized advice and support as you navigate the challenges of dealing with a narcissist, doing divorce recovery and or your divorce, yeah yeah, because all of these things, we have narcissists in our life and we may not know, because there's so many types of narcissists and you may not know it because everybody out, like I remember talking to a friend one time and saying, oh, this person is Da-da-da-da-da-da and they're like really, I was like yeah and they're like no. And then finally they saw it and you're like I told you so, you're like it could be a co-order, it could be a sibling, it could be a friend, it could be whatever. Oh, just any cohort. Like, okay, they're the narcissists of the group of friends, they're you know, whatever. So they're like oh, now I see it, because an incident happened that that person got upset about and they were in a different angle of it, or that person became a narcissist towards them, and a lot of times you don't see it, that covert narcissist like I'm hiding, I'm hiding in the shadows, and then Only a couple people have seen it and it's usually that spouse or that really good friend, or yeah, once again.
Speaker 1:Divorce of episode 139. We didn't get to the types of narcissists.
Speaker 2:I mean, we have an episode of it, but we could go back over how it is um.
Speaker 1:That was a twice to a see Tracy Malone, episode 62.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that was the narcissist episode. Yeah, so maybe next time we talk about the types of narcissists and how to recognize it and how To deal with it.
Speaker 2:When you're you didn't know, because a lot of times again, there's a lot of people in your life that are and you just don't see it, because you love that person so much and they can talk to you that way, because I've been friends for so long, but they are the powerhouse that is really actually abusing you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they, they're like underhanded. Yeah, that's, that's the worst.
Speaker 2:And it's a lot of times. It's that friend that gives you the backhanded compliment because they don't want you to either be Smarter or prettier or funnier than them. And that's narcissism, and you know. You need to recognize it recognize episode divorce devil 139.
Speaker 1:Ten methods or ways to deal with our narcissists in your divorce recovery or divorce and I hope your friend works that out, because I think he's feeling a lot. Yeah, oh yeah, oh, my god, he's Throwing, throwing stuff at people, back at them is.
Speaker 2:It is so fun.
Speaker 1:Oh.
Speaker 2:Okay, your homework friends is try it. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah take.
Speaker 1:take something where it's where somebody calls your name or something You're not sure. Yes, yes, if you're not sure someone is do that and then you'll find out. Yes, you'll find out quick, like what.
Speaker 2:You made me upset because you know something. No, no, no, no. I'm just giving you your own crap back, so eat it.
Speaker 1:Yes, you look at that. Yes, I'm a dick. What?
Speaker 2:eat a bag of dick. I'm a dick Wow. That's always fun to like. If someone says I'm, you're like yeah, eat a bag of dicks. You're like where do you actually buy a bag of?
Speaker 1:dicks? I don't think oh, kelly will probably have I don't think that's a whole lot of good Salt and pepper, but anyway. So once again, episode 139 dealing with the narcissist, and next time we're gonna talk about types of narcissism.
Speaker 2:Yeah, in relationships and how to deal with it and how to recognize and not just in the forest, they're like in church.
Speaker 1:Yeah they're at the beauty parlor. God, that's old. Oh yeah, they're at the dentist elementary school.
Speaker 2:Especially the elementary Nurses there's.
Speaker 1:There's none at the, at the elementary school. None, none, all right, perfect, all right. Everybody, have a nice night, love you, bye.
