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What a treat - the top 7 Rachel and David’s laws of divorce recovery. What is so interesting about this podcast, it can be applied to all phases of divorce - prior, during, and post-divorce. Are you ready to navigate the choppy waters of divorce recovery? With raw honesty, we promise to guide you on this journey, offering hard-won insights and tried-and-true strategies to help you find your footing and move forward with resilience and grace. This episode delves deep into the laws of divorce recovery, starting with the foundation of all healing - self-compassion. We explore how vital it is to extend kindness to yourself during this time, acknowledging the pain and respecting the time it takes to heal. All seven laws really boil down to just self-care. We can’t stress that more. Discussions of:
We traverse the tricky terrain of boundaries and self-care, a critical aspect often overlooked in the wake of a split. We discuss practical steps you can take, from replacing your ex with supportive friends, to engaging in activities that help you rediscover your identity, and learning to say no when necessary. We also stress the importance of leaning on the support of friends and family, and managing emotions during challenging situations, because no one should sail these turbulent seas alone.
In the final leg of our journey, we explore the transformative power of reflection, forgiveness, and acceptance. With personal anecdotes and candid insights, we shed light on how forgiveness is not about the other person, but about our own healing and growth. We underscore the importance of reflecting on our journey and letting go of pain to move forward. So, buckle up and join us as we navigate the treacherous yet liberating path of divorce recovery. The road may be rough, but with the right support and mindset, you'll emerge stronger than ever before.
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Music. You're welcome. Everybody on the Diverse Devil, episode 133. That was pretty cool, huh? I just have to say, if you've never been in a video, before the podcast you really need to come visit. Oh God, i got a hit for the core, jesus Christ.
Rachel:Hit the record button. God dang it Yeah.
David:Welcome to Diverse Devil episode 133. We have David and Rachel on the mic. Our new intro is just off the cuff. Thank you for listening. Next podcast we're going to try to do maybe a flow chart for those who just started to get divorced Yeah, Or in the middle or the end.
Rachel:Some of the feedback we did was people don't know where to start with episode to start because not everybody's at their whole phase, not everybody's at their you know freaking.
David:The whole phase.
Rachel:Not everybody's at their zombie phase, you know. So there's a lot of topics that we've had And when I send someone who wants to hear the podcast newly and I'm sending them the latest episode, they're like, um, i'm not there, i don't know. That relates to me. So I don't know if I want to listen. But I will say There's so many different stuff that we touched By the way, started episode 47 for forgiveness, or started 85 because of this or so. Next podcast we're going to try to give you a little bit more Structure, structure.
David:Yeah, structure.
Rachel:So you can have like a little playbook.
David:But today we're talking about part one, because you gotta divide this up. Yeah, we got it. Part one of David or Rachel, and David's laws of divorce recovery.
Rachel:Thanks for letting me go first, yeah.
David:Yeah, yeah, i don't want that cake.
Rachel:He said my name first. Yeah.
David:Rachel and David's laws of divorce recovery. So uh, number one.
Rachel:Yes, Law of self compassion. Um, when I was reading this.
David:Love to one you with, yeah.
Rachel:And it really is comes down to you, And I think that compassion for yourself is goes along with self care. But I think compassion is in your head, in your speak, in your journal, in your life. you have to be kind to yourself.
David:I think a little bit of the self compassion is also. You have to get yourself grace, yeah, in order to make mistakes and to recover from mistakes and realize that Serial date. Yeah, serodator, blah Count Chocula, we know Pretty pebbles baby.
Rachel:Frosted flakes.
David:That's your favorite With sugar.
Rachel:Extra sugar.
David:Extra sugar.
Rachel:Yeah. So I think you need I mean, i think you need to give the compassion your self compassion like you would give to anybody else in your life going through it. You have to step out of the situation a little bit too and be like if my friend came to me and says I'm getting divorced, what would I do? And you're like what do you need? Where can I go? Blah, blah, blah. Can I get your food? Can I take care of the kids for you? Can I do this?
David:But you've had the real life that you can't fix it for them.
Rachel:Yes.
David:Yeah, and that's the thing with people getting in trouble, i think Yeah.
Rachel:Yeah, especially those who have never been divorced. Well, i think when you're going through it too, you want whatever it is that's going to make you feel better or fix it. I think with men it's more I need to fix it. Women, i just don't want to be sad anymore. I just don't want to be lonely anymore. I just don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to trust anybody anymore because of the hurt I've gotten or cost. And so I think when we say compassion is like when you say grace too, it's like you don't just get over divorce in a year. You don't get over you know. Oh my gosh, i have to go to court. I've never gone to court. I'm not a bad person, but I got to go and talk to a judge who's going to judge me and my marriage and how I take care of my kids.
David:And that's no clue who I am. Yeah, never met me before. Exactly.
Rachel:I'm not going to show like what dress do I wear with this? So you really need to take care of your inner heart, like what you need from this, because All the people in all the world, all your friends, all your family, can be like supportive. but unless you Give yourself compassion, you're not gonna heal.
David:Correct or even get. get through it, yeah, within a reasonable time and or effort in the beginning too.
Rachel:It's like every second you're like oh, I went, I got one second not crying.
David:Two seconds not crying, Oh, okay I don't have ever thought about us knowing all this knowledge now that we have and going through divorce now. It'd be so easy.
Rachel:Oh right, yeah, but that's not reality. But I think the divorce is definitely a process. It really takes all the craziness. Sometimes it's just I need to go hibernate fertile week with nobody no kids, no people and Just get my shit together. When I come back, hopefully, i'll feel better enough to be like cool story. Some of it's like five, ten years. People are still like I didn't want a divorce, he cheated on me or she cheated on me, or blah, blah, blah, blah. And so you don't start to heal until you were like done, done. Because I know people still that are like you know, they're watching that hallmark movie where the ex lover get back together and you know whatever. Hallmark stories aren't real people, so divorce, divorce devil does not promote. Oh, i want the pony, i want the thing. I want to see the magical unicorn I want to see all the greats.
David:You know they're there, they're coming down and they take the grapes and they make wine dollars. I love you anyway, but I hate you at the beginning because you were jerking.
Rachel:Do not watch hallmark stories when you're going through your divorce early.
David:That's the number one. The head, that's another law. Movies when you start divorce seriously like.
Rachel:I don't know if I could take it like watching a Hallmark Christmas movie, i would have done. I would have like that shit. So yeah, try to stay away from the Hallmark when you're first going into wars.
David:Okay, love acceptance.
Rachel:This is a hard one hard one especially if you didn't pull the plug.
David:Yes, because it's the rest on you. Yeah, you don't have a choice and we all want a little bit of control of our own.
Rachel:We don't have that. It even makes us more, i rate. It makes us more sad, it makes us more angry and give me be Say koochee koo.
David:Yeah. So if you don't have control, that's. Everybody wants control. Yeah, I think that's one thing that gets people in trouble.
Rachel:You know, when I I was thinking about this too, like when is the first time I accepted that I was going through? There was stages of acceptance, because there was like that angry acceptance, like I'm out, i'm leaving, and I left. So I accepted that I was leaving and just basically stopped. That was it, like it was over.
David:Then there was angry done though.
Rachel:Yeah, so I think the first time that I was like Oh let's get through this. This is real.
David:Let's do this.
Rachel:It was when I went to see my family and had to tell all my family who, like you know, i didn't post it on Facebook or Instagram or anything like that I went and see, i saw my family, you know, whatever, and I was like I'm getting divorced, like I'm no longer gonna be married to this person for this many years. There's no more. You know his family parties, you know, no, That the stuff. And so I think that was a really big like huh shit, this is really happening and that's really hard because, depending on where you are and healing when you start to accept it, it can. It can blindside you, it can debilitate you, it can make you do the ugly cries and the drinking and the whole things that weren't. We're not in a serial dating Yeah, so Accepting that you're going through it is really tough. I mean, you might even some people don't even realize that they're.
David:Swipes swipe down, swipe left. Yeah, whatever that is, i don't know. That is Number three. This, yeah, your favorite, love boundaries. Oh, that's the tough one. I think you gotta start the love boundaries early.
Rachel:I think you have to do this pre marriage.
David:Yes, well, you can't worry about it now. Well, but the but, the genius are the bottle No no, but I'm saying so we're talking about. When you start divorce, you gotta set the boundaries. Yeah, like, like, don't come over drunk, try to get some. I wouldn't drink it. Remember, i didn't drink for 18 months. Don't, don't be drunk trying to come get some. Don't be, don't be coming downstairs, try to hop on this pony. Don't, don't be, don't be. Yeah, right, right, it milk pony.
Rachel:Oh yeah, this is close. Yeah, they've a horse. Yeah.
David:Don't be. That's all I got to say.
Rachel:Don't be and I think too a lot of times, like I remember Being so alone. I just wanted to be a part of my own family, like I just wanted to be where the kids were, and my ex because he was where the kids were That's what you would do to deal. I would do anything to just be where my kids were. And if it wasn't my day or my weekend or whatever, i'm just like, well, we can all just go for a walk, and then we could all just can you meet me, the kids, and we could do this, and then we Can go separate ways, like I was grasping at just not being lonely, but once I started, like Replacing my ex with my friends, or Playing volleyball again, or you know journaling and all these things that I replaced because I had to Started helping me figure out who I was so there's some things that Counteract boundaries.
David:Yeah, and I'm just rolling this off my head right now loneliness, that can, that can touch your boundaries because you're used to it and you're gonna rat that pony. Yeah, right it, but wait, i got more Damn Loneliness. Familiar familiarity.
Rachel:Yeah.
David:Is familiar.
Rachel:Do what's comfortable.
David:Yeah, comfortable. Yeah even though you put your leg behind your head. That's different story. Yeah, pretzel, pretzel.
Rachel:Yeah, thanks. Thanks, dawson, nice. No, i think too, like boundaries. I think they're hard in the beginning because Do make sense of boundary because you're mad like don't talk to me, don't call me. They mean they have a fucking app for you to be able to text your ex because of mean text. There's, there's things that you know The court will put in motion if you guys can't get along. But you have to set healthy boundaries for you, like David's favorite saying I'm sorry That's not gonna work for me today, but thanks for asking. And Depending on how your ex is or what move they're in or how their day at work was, they may not receive that well. But if you know you're saying now to protecting yourself yourself, can yours, your yourself, being well-being, of all sorts Boundaries need to come in and be like. You know what I'm sorry I'm healing right now. This bubble, these walls, all these things that are coming up are only because I don't know what else to do and Slowly those walls start to come down when you're you know, Yeah, i didn't cry all day because I got a mean text in the middle of my work day saying that I'm gonna steal my kid Or you know, you got to go to court tomorrow because I think you're an unfit mom And I'm not gonna give you money today because you don't deserve it, or blah, blah, blah.
David:So oh my god, another one. Oh, harness, take a sip. Please take a sip that That attests your boundaries.
Rachel:Let me get some water. Yeah, like I said, yeah, coffee talk, coffee talk let's, let's call our friend Kelly, who has the plug-in vibrator things, and doughnut doughnut.
David:Donut doughnut doughnuts, do not go, do not, i'm sorry doughnuts Do not go back to the hole. Wow.
Rachel:I don't know where it came from. Now, is that the?
David:guys, the guy part, don't go back to the hole back in the doughnut once it's out.
Rachel:You got it. Keep going. Go get yourself a plug-in vibrator. They make all shapes and sizes.
David:They make sucker ones and blowy ones, and don't go early ones, don't go back, because I heard you don't feel good afterwards okay, it might feel good in the moment. I heard that it feels really good immediately after, but after that you're like what the fuck? That's what I heard. Man people told me that Number four.
Rachel:Support. Get a good jack support. I mean what?
David:no, your, your friends. Figure out who's in your corner and who isn't, because everybody's not your corner.
Rachel:Everybody doesn't help. This is a hard pill to swallow.
David:Oh yeah, because you want everybody to help.
Rachel:Yeah, you know, i feel like early on too, especially because I worked in a school When I was coming to work and I was sad because I'm the happy bubbly person and I, you know Outgoing and all the things, and I just want everybody, i want to say hi everybody. I hope everybody's having a good day. If I saw someone off and be like you, good, you're wrong and I'm nervous, so I'm like everything. Okay, do you feel okay?
David:You thought people should do that to you. I did but you're different, people are different.
Rachel:But I was the. Here's my force field. Don't step in it. If you look at me funny, i'm going to cry. If you look at me like with your eyebrows raised and you go, huh, like what's up with you, i'm like, yeah, oh, hey, ghost.
David:Turn off the lights in here.
Rachel:You yawned and the lights went out. Crazy shit.
David:No, that was the freaking son.
Rachel:I'm son going out again. Dang turned out the lights, mood setting, but yeah, so when I would get to work I'd be like, okay, put on that fake smile, put on that fake everything, just so. No one came to me and was like what's wrong with you, why?
David:are you like that? Are you sad with boo?
Rachel:Oh well or when people have found out that you're getting divorced like. They're like how long? how do did you know this one's dad is single? Did you know? like, wait what? huh? And it really was those. I Especially that one friend who's just like drink this, you haven't eaten. I know you're not gonna have this shake. Here's a cookie. I don't know what else to do, but here's a cookie. I'm not a hugger. Here's a cookie. Let me make you a shake, let me drink this.
David:This is my body.
Rachel:Yeah, No, this is fucking Allison wonderland Wow we went from you.
David:Breathe is just a Allison wonderland.
Rachel:I mean it's kind of the same thing.
David:Okay, where we at.
Rachel:Support so you find out who your real friends are, and a lot of times I was very disappointed the people that just Dropped me like a fucking hot potato, especially the people from back home that are more his friends than mine, i guess but you have to be real.
David:This about that. You know it's gonna happen, but it still hurts.
Rachel:Yeah, yeah, so yeah. and then, like family members that were, like you know, on my side I'm signing with him or his side Siding with me, i'm like what the fuck is happening? here, So anyway self-care.
David:Yeah you gotta take care of yourself. I love that's one. That's one of the most important ones. Yeah, yeah, i mean, if you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of others.
Rachel:You can be 15 years out and think that you're healed, and then Something strikes a court. Or you start a new relationship, or you know your kids graduating college or your kids moving to New Jersey. You're something and you're like we I should be doing this with my ex, this is her dad, or all these things that can come up and, depending on where you are, if, like, if I hadn't healed from that, i'd be like, sad, like super sad. I'm supposed to be married almost 30 years or blah, blah, blah, blah and so as you go through it, that becomes less of a situation for you. Yeah, and I think that comes from well, of course, the podcast journaling and having people in my life that check in on me.
David:I think it was serial dating that cured me.
Rachel:On this podcast. Three count count, count, you have two many kiddies to four or six.
David:Who do we appreciate blah, blah, blah, what you gotta have self, yeah, that's something. Self care, yes. So carry is very important.
Rachel:I mean, i mean, if you're getting okay, nevermind, i guess it is self care.
David:Yeah, so.
Rachel:I'm like masturbating and vibrating and all the fun stuff.
David:I'm gonna get yourself to wear your comfortable when you're on. Chocolate is not sexual, aren't? you can't talk?
Rachel:to them Whoa. Anyway, back to self care now, self care is So important, very important.
David:It's beginning at the. It's important at the beginning, the middle and the end.
Rachel:What are some things that women don't, that Men would do, that women don't do for self care, because I'm like. I'm like journaling, i want a facial, i want a pedicure.
David:I think that men you know men compartmentalize better than women do. Yeah, i think we should Compart, compartmentalize less. Compartmentalize less in order to fill the fields. Yeah fill the fields.
Rachel:Yeah, that's, that's that's very important. Definitely not. You know, i'm a dude, i'm a man, i can't, i can't cry, i can't do this, i'm over that bitch, whatever you know. So there's a lot of like, there's a lot of ways men don't do this And then it comes out in like a new relationship, like you know, hey, babe, we should go get pedicures because it feels really great. I'm a dude, i'm not doing it, but then why not try something new if things weren't working out in your marriage or whatever something? So I think now, especially now on that day, people just do whatever they want, kind of thing.
David:Like, if I wanna go get pedicure, i'm gonna go pedicure.
Rachel:Do I go get a massage? Do I want to go climb a 14 or not really, but like there's different ways to do it. Do I go on a boy's trip to Vegas, or whatever? I think self care really has to do with who you are. Like, what do I really care about? Like you know, i can say for my boyfriend he is sports, everything's sports related. So like when we were first dating, like last year, the year before, i was like I wanna do something for him so he can like experience things that he didn't in his marriage, right, or vice versa. Like we went to Fenway He's a huge baseball fan, played it in high school, college, all the way, you know done all the things. And just seeing him do that I could see like wow, like, look, i can show who I am through sports and things like that. Or like I'm like I wanna go get my nails done, my hair did. I wanna go get some tea, i wanna go get some wine, i wanna do all this stuff with my friends or do that. And I think I pushed him more like go hang out with your friends, do things like that, let's go to your friend's house and let's do more things, and I think self care is just finding where you fit in after divorce and doing things that you love, because life is so freaking short And after divorce you're like, well, i'm used, i'm old, baggage, like you know, i'm not gonna have anybody that loves me or cares about me, or you know, i'm too old to climb up, you know, a mountain or whatever. So I think men also really need to find what they value for self care.
David:Self care too. I think self care allows you not to bring the crap from a previous relationship to a new relationship, and I think that men are well women too both sexes are really good at that bringing the insecurities.
Rachel:Basically, self care battles insecurities, yeah yeah, well, and also I can remember going he's not him, This new partner is not my little partner Like okay, when someone's gonna pull out the rug, this guy is too nice. Why is he not yelling if I spilled something on the floor? Why is he not mad that we're late? Or why is he not mad that I forgot eight times the same thing I was looking for for an hour, like you know, before big Jesus Christ. Oh well, again. Now I'm like yelling, since my mom. My mom was a big yeller and that literally hurts my being And I think I set a boundary early on, like we're not gonna yell, we're gonna talk it out. You may be upset, but we're not gonna be angry, we're not gonna do this, we're gonna figure it out.
David:Not going to bed early Angry.
Rachel:Well, that either. Hey, so figuring out what the actual problem is. If you had a bad day at work and then I come in and drop all the freshly bought groceries, oh, okay, the groceries are broken, but why are you mad at me? I didn't mean to break the groceries.
David:We just had it.
Rachel:You know it happened, so I think all right. The boundaries in my relationship now have been more or less like okay, nope, that's not this one, i'm not her, he's not him. So it's really good. You know what?
David:Number six forgiveness. The law of forgiveness, The law of not giving. That was a 47. The law of not giving a fuck.
Rachel:I love it, i love it And I think I've learned that it's what's the word. They're the same. What's the what's a big word for that?
David:Simile metaphor. Simile metaphor Store, whatever.
Rachel:I think forgiveness and not giving a fuck go hand in hand, because when you've forgiven someone, you have gone all the fields, and we say this too in our other podcasts Giving no fucks means that you've cared so much that you just can't give any other emotion. You just can't.
David:You're tapping out.
Rachel:There's no more energy to have in this subject person, job, whatever you, you are done. Something has to change or you're gonna end up with the straight jacket. So giving no fucks means you have cared for so long And now you're just like, well, i'm not changing that person, i'm not changing my job situation, i'm not changing you know that friend. That's shitty to me until I say enough's enough. And so giving no fucks is I hate the word forgiveness because I feel like why should I forgive you if you've been an asshole? But I have learned since that episode. It's not for them, it's for you, and I think my not giving a fuck means I have to forgive all the shit that you did just so I can feel better and move on with my life, or I have to have no affect towards that subject anymore. Give no fucks to heal and grow, and and again, once I've dismissed you with my ADHD and my object permits.
David:I've dismissed you with my work. You are good. Be gone before I drop a house on you, so let's do one more Law of reflection, which kind of turns into forgiveness.
Rachel:Yeah, this is really. I've been dabbling with trying to write a book and figuring out what I really want to say and what I want to do. And what would the topic of the book be? And I think a lot of it when I'm in it, when I'm really in the middle of it, is reflecting on where I've come, how far I've come, where I started and where I'm at now. And the reflection is anytime we have hurt in our life. Generally it's because of someone else, right. Most of the time I'm like so fucking positive and happy about it.
David:Or we let them hurt us.
Rachel:Again and we allow people to be shitty to us, and I was telling David before they started. I have a friend that she was stuck on this one phrase and I've been there in my life when someone said something to me when I was a kid and I held on to it for so long that I didn't even know why it was still hurting me.
David:Because it's been so long.
Rachel:And because I kept every time I didn't feel enough, every time I didn't feel valued, I didn't feel worthy, I didn't feel smart enough, I didn't feel pretty enough. That phrase would come back and it really was comparing my someone, compared me to some another person in my life and where I'm at with that person. I don't speak to anymore. Where I was at that point. I was a kid And so, like I'm not good, and this person to me was saying you're not good enough, you're not this, you're not that, and once I wrote it out and got all the feels around that, saying it had no value.
David:You were done.
Rachel:And that person I don't talk to anymore. I mean, i see her on Facebook and I see it.
David:I see that no more strength, no more valid use.
Rachel:And again, am I going to her house for Christmas? No, am I doing it? Am I saying I'm sorry for your loss if something happened? Probably. Am I going to say happy birthday to her kid? Probably. But the fact that I was holding on to something, that someone else who doesn't really know me, gave it so much power that I really had to let it go. I had to forgive and take those words, and now those words have no power and most things that hurt us are a word You're ugly, i don't like you, i want a divorce. I no longer am in love with you, i don't want to be friends with you anymore. I don't like your dress, i don't like your hair. Those are all things that someone else can say to you to make you feel how you do about yourself. You're not thin enough, you're not pretty enough. Oh well, you don't wear this, you don't have this car, you don't drive, you know. You don't have this purse, you don't drive that car or whatever. Those are all things that we're comparing ourselves to each other and when you reflect back and think about who you are and what you are and where you've come from especially if you've been in bad relationships or families dynamics. Look at you, look at who you are today. You might be having a bad day today, but guess what? Tomorrow's coming Tomorrow's coming. Or call your friend Go for a walk Hey. You want to meet for a drink Hey, you want to do this. Do all the things now, because when you realize how far you've come from any situation, you should be really proud of yourself, because reflection will help you grow and move on, and especially when it divorce. It sounds like a fertilizer when you, the day you move out, the day you leave, those are the worst days. But the day you get in your new place or you buy a new car or you have your own money, you're paying your own bills. It's. They're all freeing and refreshing. And again, we definitely advocate marriage and we want you to try to work it out and stuff like that. But when it doesn't happen and you're just sitting in the Well, i guess that's over. I should just go jump in a hole. You know we don't want you there. We want you to see that there is positive at the end of it, and reflection is a big deal when I say Every once in a while, go back into the journals from when I was first crazy I'm like damn, i was in a bad space.
David:Who is that person?
Rachel:and a lot of things we hide and a lot of things other people say to us and you know, like one of Those, like I were such a happy couple, i'm like Okay, like that didn't help, that didn't help me, you saying that, so you know. So like I think reflection is a Big part of your recovery All right, everybody, everybody that's uh everybody in the club game price game.
David:That's seven. That's a quick seven, so we'll do eight through sixteen, next time in part two of Rachel and David's laws Even though they're Davidson, rachel's laws of recovery, yeah.
Rachel:No.
David:Everybody, everybody, thanks for listening. Hope you got something out of it. And, like I said, to podcast and now we're gonna do a.
