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Here is the third and final prison in divorce recovery - the fear of change. The top ten pretty much round it out and speak for themselves. What do you think? In this episode of the Divorce Devil podcast, hosts David and Rachel discuss the practical considerations and fear of change that come with divorce recovery. They share personal experiences and offer tips on how to overcome these challenges.
David and Rachel delve into the overwhelming practical considerations that come with divorce, including finding a new home, job, and school for children, as well as legal processes. They share humorous conversations about the difficulties of navigating these changes, including David's phrase "cracking off a piece" when referring to going back to an ex-spouse for comfort.
The hosts also discuss the impact of divorce on self-identity and the stigma surrounding divorced individuals. They note that divorce can come with baggage and affect how others view an individual, but it can also help narrow the deal breakers in the dating world.
At [0:35:58], David and Rachel discuss the fear of repeat failure and social stigma, including the impact of divorce on friend dynamics and changing one's name. They emphasize the importance of seeking support from family, friends, and professionals such as therapists and divorce coaches to navigate these fears and embrace the necessity of change, healing, and growth.
Rachel offers words of encouragement at [0:40:07], reminding listeners to take the good with the bad and know that each day will get better. She advises taking the first step out of fear, whether that means finding happiness, a new relationship, or simply smiling without feeling guilty. The episode concludes at [0:40:21] with David signing off as "Prison Number Three Love you. Bye."
Quotable Phrases:
- "The deal breakers get you to narrow that little playing field."
- "Don't get divorced during the pandemic. Put that shit off."
- "Just roll with it."
- "Finding humor in difficult situations and taking control of one's life can help individuals find happiness after divorce."
- "When you finally smile for the first time without feeling guilty or you have a day where you don't think about divorce at all, there's little tiny wins."
- "Take the good with the bad and just know that each day is going to get better."
- "Whenever you're ready, just take that first step out of fear."
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Speaker 1:
Welcome to the Divorce Devil podcast, a show Taylor made for those stepping out of the divorce recovery space. Follow your hosts, David and Rachel, as they dive into the all too familiar shitstorm of the more than interesting end of the road divorce topics, stories and discussions, While realizing it can be a trying stage. they have been where you are and understand the struggle And yes, the struggle is real. They know that recovery can be such a clusterfuck. Check out the podcast. if you feel like you're juggling chainsaws, then strap in and hold on for some honesty, authenticity and harden your face. irrefutable truths This innovative podcast is not for the faint hearted, so if you can't handle the certain truths, just keep it moving, If you can. welcome to the show.
Speaker 2:
Welcome, everybody.
Speaker 3:
Welcome everybody out there to Divorce Devil, episode 132. All right, today we're talking about the third prison of divorce, right? Yes, divorce recovery, which is Changing No. Changing lanes Yeah.
Speaker 2:
And I'm going to say too I have fear changing lanes in Colorado because y'all fucking can't drive. Sorry, love, you mean it.
Speaker 3:
But anyway. So we're talking about fear of change, not lanes, not cars, but fear of change. So we're going to have Rachel start, because she did her homework.
Speaker 2:
Oh shit, but what am I doing So?
Speaker 3:
hold on.
Speaker 2:
Prison number three.
Speaker 3:
Which is.
Speaker 2:
Fearing change.
Speaker 3:
All right, so Rachel, start us off.
Speaker 2:
Divorce can be challenging and life-altering experience. It is not uncommon for people to fear change during the recovery process. Here are 10 reasons why individuals can fear change in the divorce recovery.
Speaker 3:
Our 10 top reasons, baby, our 10 top reasons, woo hoo.
Speaker 2:
Top 10. Well, david, and I just read it.
Speaker 3:
Top 10s? yes, Yeah, but it's ours.
Speaker 2:
Yes, it's ours, it's ours. So the first one is the big It's huge Uncertainty. We don't do things because we don't know how it's going through.
Speaker 3:
You're scared that you never have a house going to turn out.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, they don't know the outcome. So, unless you've been educated like hey, if you step on an alligator you're going to get bit, You pretty much don't have to do that to figure out that you're going to get bit by the alligator, Right?
Speaker 3:
That's going to hurt.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, but everybody can tell you how bad divorces are going through divorces Until you experience it. But yeah, it's like anything else. Until you experience it, you're like you're just listening And then if you're going through divorce, you're in it, you are a part of it. So the uncertainty there's so many things like am I damaged? Am I good enough? Was I good enough? How do I figure out who I am outside of my marriage, especially if you've been married for a long time? right, Because if you got into it older, you probably know who you are already And then you got into it. But if you're young and you're right out of like, leaving your parents' house, you may not know who you are with a loan. So then you get into this marriage and you're like well, i now have a partner. How does that partner do to define me? So I think when I was contemplating divorce, it was oh my God, who?
Speaker 3:
am I? You have never been alone.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, i've never. I've never not been in a relationship other than my. You know has been away from my parents, like living outside of my parents' home. So I think that the scary part of that is am I going to be okay? We all just want to feel safe, right.
Speaker 3:
Rachel has survived.
Speaker 2:
I did, she survived.
Speaker 3:
And even though you didn't think you were going to, Oh, remember when I first started Oh. God, you were a basket case. I was still a basket case and I was years down the road. Now I'm like great.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Speaker 3:
I'm healed.
Speaker 2:
Oh, and it's so funny because when we say we're healed, we are in a space and a place where we can. If there's something that comes up, i feel like because of the podcast, i am like oh, that was this episode. I remember talking about this.
Speaker 3:
I think it's like you know, going to AA, you know you're always an alcoholic, you're always a divorcee.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, You're never not going to be a divorce person, Yep, And you know so. It's stigma. That's a big one too. So I just think anything that we do divorce, even getting married there's that big unknown like what's going to happen. And getting into a new relationship after divorce, That's a big whole fuck. I mean all the walls, all the bread flags, all the things are there, even if your new partner is sometimes you even make red flags without them being there. Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 3:
And then he's, he breathes like my ex. He eats, yeah, he farted. I'm done with him.
Speaker 2:
Well, that would not be right now.
Speaker 3:
Too late, too late. No, damn, damn baby, that was a good one.
Speaker 2:
I mean you, whatever you take the go with the bet, and there you have the facts of life. Yeah, The facts of life.
Speaker 3:
And was there anything?
Speaker 2:
in uncertainty that caused you to stick in it.
Speaker 3:
You mean, stick in it.
Speaker 2:
Stick in the marriage.
Speaker 3:
Like stay longer than.
Speaker 2:
I should have.
Speaker 3:
Well, i didn't have a choice. She pulled the trigger. But after she pulled the trigger my mind just went like help the skilter. You know how am I going to survive? What's going to happen next? You know the uncertainty of that next step. You know getting a lawyer doing all that stuff.
Speaker 2:
No one tells you how to get divorced.
Speaker 3:
Like you said, we need to make a book like a playbook.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, we definitely need a playbook. We need, like the, make it like a sports playbook, like Lance, lance, lance, help us.
Speaker 3:
There we go Um, help us, help us, lord Jesus, help us, lord Jesus, jesus, lance, He would agree. He would agree. Whenever someone says God or Jesus, he goes, it's Lance.
Speaker 2:
And we're all like Oh, can't say that again. So yeah, um yeah.
Speaker 3:
So I think you said the whole.
Speaker 2:
Jesus.
Speaker 3:
Not just in the whole.
Speaker 2:
Listen. Where are we talking about? I'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.
Speaker 3:
I'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry. The voice recovery, the uncertainty of this podcast.
Speaker 2:
Uncertainty of this podcast? No, i think. I think anything is. Most things in life are scary when it's new, when it's never been, you've never dealt with that before, never done it before. But how do you get in there? You take that first step and then the next step is easier and the next step is easier And a lot of times you fall back to like I don't want to do that again.
Speaker 3:
So check this out, i got a question. So somebody who's been divorced like six, seven times, like Elizabeth Taylor Yeah, you know farting in the wind, you know the you know the second, second, third, fourth, fifth. It's like there's dad, you know, it's almost like dating.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Speaker 3:
You know, divorce is dating after a couple of times.
Speaker 2:
I think I mean again if you're out there and you've been divorced more than once, or no-transcript.
Speaker 3:
Get back to us, let us know.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, let us know, because I think You're quicker to get out of a bad situation If you've divorced the second time and the third time. But guess what, you might be the problem. So it might not be Conducive of your uncertainty. You're just like, yeah, i'm not gonna deal with anymore.
Speaker 3:
But if you're listening podcast, odds are you're not the problem. Yeah, cuz you have good taste.
Speaker 2:
I mean? I mean some people that we know are listening.
Speaker 3:
I had a friend. I saw a friend today and She's on her third divorce.
Speaker 2:
Really Yeah, did you pick your brain Just now you know I did not.
Speaker 3:
I should have, and now I'm mad at myself, but no, no, you will and give back to us, yeah, yeah she's on our third divorce.
Speaker 2:
She and again was it? she kept going, repeating the cycle of partners that she was picking or maybe, but you know now, now she's done.
Speaker 3:
Before she was done, now She's done getting married done, done, messing relationships. She's done with men, done. That's it, girl. This is a fact. You gonna be out there hitting that stuff. Girl, go get this stuff.
Speaker 2:
We all need some penis.
Speaker 3:
I don't mean any penis, no, your own penis, yeah, but you like being this, that's fine. I like being whatever you like, whoever you are, whatever you like, go get it.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, get you some get you some.
Speaker 3:
You like pine nuts.
Speaker 2:
I did Great for the UPS man. I did do a little segment. What you're gonna nuts, nuts, that's not that's Bush nuts.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, like pine, nuts, tree nuts, bush nuts. I'm gonna stick a bush nuts, nuts from from the bush, bush, it's kind of like beer nuts Bush bush nuts To. Once you use the same thing, you know you come home. Even even if you didn't like each other, you were still used to coming to that person, that that that person was part of you, so you came home to that person. So now you're coming home to nobody.
Speaker 2:
Yeah and yeah and a lot of times. I think that's why people go back. It's easier to be in that comfort. Oh, don't go back.
Speaker 3:
Don't go back, don't go back, and and hey, hey, part two Don't hit it again, no, when you're done.
Speaker 2:
Go back and don't hit it.
Speaker 3:
No, yeah, don't go back, don't go back, and don't go back and hit it.
Speaker 2:
Here's a deal, though, oh.
Speaker 3:
It doesn't be. Who do you? it doesn't be who view?
Speaker 2:
be who, or course who. Yeah, he's making.
Speaker 3:
If the hooves you not to go back to that hard, like if you have it's hard.
Speaker 2:
I mean, if it's hard it's hard, yes, penis, you might go back to it.
Speaker 3:
I'm not saying that you should but if you get the divorce, the penis is no good. Okay, you look past the No, you gotta look past the penis. Penis, like I used to do, just pretend yeah, okay.
Speaker 2:
No, i think a lot of times we get comfort, like we get in stagnation. We get Set in our comfort, good or bad, negative or positive, and if We're having a bad day and we know that that person has, you know, comfort us before we may go back to that. We shouldn't. You might call and say hey, that last time you did this, or have, hey, can you help me with this? or your, your ex-spouse's, i know, in finance or whatever, and Can I go ahead and crack all the peace?
Speaker 3:
Yes, you know. So that's, let's say that your divorce and she stops by and And and she goes. Hey, since we're here, let's go and crack off a piece.
Speaker 2:
No, that's not crack off a piece sex.
Speaker 3:
Never heard that crack off a piece crack off a piece.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, crack Oh you said crack hose.
Speaker 3:
Crack, hose or peace.
Speaker 2:
New Jersey or bust.
Speaker 3:
Crack hose, crack hose. Our peace, our peace, yes, no crack.
Speaker 2:
Oh, there's no commitment crack off a piece.
Speaker 3:
Okay, you know kind of like a piece of candy, just to crack it off.
Speaker 2:
Let's not crack off a piece. Yes.
Speaker 3:
Yeah. So I'm saying don't crack off of these. I think it doesn't turn out good in the long run loss of Familiarity also comes to like.
Speaker 2:
I remember the holidays hitting and like we did specific things for the holidays for 25 years Together. So then, when, like, thanksgiving came and I am by myself at my friend's house and living in her down parents downstairs, i'm like what does Thanksgiving look like for me?
Speaker 3:
But that's when you start to, that's when you start to think about and start doing your own new traditions.
Speaker 2:
But then the familiarity of all the family that I love, or the familiarity of like having all the cousins together and having all the You know, the older generation that you may not see. It's really hard to get past that. What are you looking at?
Speaker 3:
That's when you crack off a piece. Are you forget about it?
Speaker 2:
Not a lot of.
Speaker 3:
Oh.
Speaker 2:
Everybody's kind of related like one or two degrees your family tree goes up, doesn't go out.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, there's, there's no branches, just a trunk. Yeah, exactly, just go straight up.
Speaker 2:
Again, so I think that I Call him.
Speaker 3:
I can't let go. Crack off the piece, man. I can't let it go. You never knew what Cracker, cracker, cracker ho crack off a piece.
Speaker 2:
That's what we call hoe face. What the hell is happening here, okay crack, cracker.
Speaker 3:
Oh, it's like a salty white girl.
Speaker 2:
Oh.
Speaker 3:
Saltines, yes.
Speaker 2:
You want to see? I'm very visual, so now my brain is going my mouth is so dry. Oh my god, okay, where?
Speaker 3:
were we number three emotional pain, emotional damage, So most of it was anger hurt. What's the other one?
Speaker 2:
Sadness.
Speaker 3:
Sadness.
Speaker 2:
Sometimes we can't get past that. That's what causes those, you know, big old, long drawn out divorce.
Speaker 3:
Because if you change, you know you're going to experience that, so you want to keep the same. But the thing about divorce recovery is you're forced to change. Yeah, you know, even though you don't want to, change is coming in.
Speaker 2:
Well, especially like what in you know there's a lot of, for instance, is where one person wants to divorce and the other one doesn't. That person, the other person, is still totally in love with the person who wants to divorce. Well, that person who wants to divorce has done So. You have to grieve the loss of the person who no longer loves you, the person who wants to battle you in court and say we're done, we're over, we're no longer a family, and then all the things that are, you know that are extensions of that, the children, the you know X in laws. You know there's family on my ex's side. I love and still talk to you, and that just because we got divorced, doesn't mean that I still don't want to be part of their life, but it's just in a different dynamic.
Speaker 3:
So collateral damage.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, there's. and then my kids are still cousins and you know aunts and uncles and all that stuff. So when big events happen they're going to be there And I don't want any animosity just because him and I aren't together, because we get along. Because we have a 12 year old, we try to get along as best we can And I think a lot of times I'm sad and then I'm not invited where I was the one who was more engaged because he worked out of the country here, did stuff like I was a better auntie than he was an uncle, but he was a great uncle. You know what I mean. So it's like I have to get dismissed now because we are no longer together. So there's a lot of it's almost like a loss.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, it really is. So, so not only do you lose a spouse, you lose everything associated with the spouse to you.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, yeah. And in you know, like when I say when we go back home to New Jersey, like we still have a house there that we rent out And like my dad's buried there, our son's buried there, you know my best friend's still there. So when I drive past all this family that I'm not knocking on the door saying, hey, i'm here, it really is sad because a lot of my life was involved with a big family, not necessarily mine, but my ex's family. So there is a lot of things that come up and you know you want to be more in, but you also don't want to step over the that family line, you know.
Speaker 3:
So financial insecurity $27 in the bank. Let's just go with that. Yeah, all right. Loneliness and isolation, being alone, that's, that's huge. Yeah, you know, like I said, coming into the house and you're all alone. you know the dog's gone. maybe you lost the dog too. I mean, everything is the gerbil, everything's for cancer, everything's gone.
Speaker 2:
I really left with one bag. I left with one bag, went to my girlfriend's parents' house and slowly like integrated a couple things. But I had no space to like have my favorite picture, have my this, the vase that my mom gave me.
Speaker 3:
A lot of my stuff I had to pack up when he wasn't home because we just couldn't be in the same room together for a long time, you know so what happened with me and you didn't do this, but remember I moved downstairs and I want to see the kids every morning and the dynamic was strange at first, but then it worked.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, yeah, cause you made it work. Yeah, oh yeah, you did it for the kids, oh yeah.
Speaker 3:
So so it's not like Kramer versus Kramer where the guy has to leave every time. so much to leave. you know you can coexist sometimes in the same, especially the big guys house. Yeah, we had a big house, yeah. So I was in the home theater on the futon and man, I had a little bachelor pad. I was chilling man. Yeah, i could bring no honeys in there or anything when I was chilling.
Speaker 2:
Well, that was respect too for your kids, I mean.
Speaker 3:
I get that too. Yeah, i am, unless they were at school, i'm sorry.
Speaker 2:
You weren't cracking a piece off. I mean what you do in your own business.
Speaker 3:
Oh, man you're going to go with that. aren't you today, Cracking off a piece?
Speaker 2:
I just love when I can use your words to get you back Cracking off a piece. Cracking off a piece. Yeah, we've moved from the really big house and then we went to a house that we started a rent to try to figure things out, and then all hell broke loose and I did stay downstairs for a little bit and then there was that final straw moment that I had. He could do it. Whatever, and I was out and I really didn't have a place to go until my best ones, like you, can just go to my parents house, stay there as long as you want and then you talk to them and you know, slowly stayed there for six months, five, six months, did a couple of holidays there and, you know, did end up going back to the house to do holiday and then leaving at like half the day because it was his time or my time. So it was familiar for the kids, like just to keep them in a space.
Speaker 3:
That was weird. You know, like I said at one time, I did Thanksgiving on Inviter. I never did that shit again.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, she wanted you to take her on a bike ride. Yeah.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, i didn't go, yeah, without a seat, and I think a lot of times.
Speaker 2:
You know, this one was really hard because my kids didn't come see me at my house Like my younger son did, but my older kid was out. My older children were either in college or out on their own and they didn't come see me in that space. So I felt really alone, like it was all my fault And I felt like do I deserve this? But you know what You have taught me? the podcast and David has taught me like it'll come to you when it needs to come to you and it'll come back when it needs, and a lot of it is. You have no control of anything.
Speaker 3:
Nothing And that loneliness is Only stuff you can control. You can't control other people.
Speaker 2:
And a lot of times that loneliness would bring me to like being pissed off, like I fucking do everything for everybody And I'm the one who doesn't have the kids living in the house. I don't have the one, you know, i'm not the one that has to stay.
Speaker 3:
But you survived.
Speaker 2:
Because I left And that was thrown in my face for a long time.
Speaker 3:
First stop, first stop. I'm not crying, yeah, no Yeah, i just sweating. My eyes are leaking, but yeah, so I think I was Think about crying about the peace.
Speaker 2:
I was. I think I was really lonely for a long time and took it out on myself.
Speaker 3:
I think that we spend entirely too much time on fault. Yeah, if we take some of that fault time and use it to have fun with our kids. Yeah, because fault can eat you up. Yeah, even if it is your fault.
Speaker 2:
Well, especially when I had $27 to make, my spouse still had all the money he makes. Like you know, things were shut off Like that. I couldn't get money, i didn't know. And they're still going to the fancy restaurants and doing all the things and going on trips and going on. That's okay, though, and it's like, oh, we can play Legos. Well, the Legos was really, you know that bonding time with my son, knowing that like I don't have to have money to show him how I care about him.
Speaker 3:
I don't have to buy you.
Speaker 2:
Yeah. And so I compared myself to my ex, who was still my spouse, but I wasn't a part of that. So I was like, well, i don't know, i don't earn as much as him, so I can't do this. And the loneliness turned into going out all the time drinking, hopefully having my date or a friend say Hey, i got the check, and not wanting them to, but letting them you know so. Again, when I started making my money back and stuff, i was like Nope, it's on me, i got you because you were there for me when you didn't know you were there for me And then hoping, not cracking off two pieces the same night. I mean you can make two days for one night by accident. Because they both have the same name. Yeah Damn, make sure you put their picture next to your contact thing, you know? oh, that's not the one I like. I got to cancel both now.
Speaker 3:
Number six parenting challenges.
Speaker 2:
This. This was one of the big shockers to me that I had to go to a class to be a parent to show them how to parent.
Speaker 3:
But I had to be a parent for the freaking film was like 1950.
Speaker 2:
And I've been a parent for 22 years, like you're going to tell me how and the only the only thing that they say in that film is don't use kids as a weapon. Yeah.
Speaker 3:
That's all they say. They're going to say that the first time and save like 45 minutes.
Speaker 2:
Oh yeah And bad film, but yeah, so like it's four hour event that you have to do and we were going through a divorce during COVID, so everything was online. It was like, how much do you have to participate? Like they ask you fucking questions. You're like, uh, color five year? you're next. I'm like, oh wait, am I color?
Speaker 3:
Oh, it was live.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, Oh, damn. Yeah, it was like we were supposed to go in person, but then all the things were closed down.
Speaker 3:
We did in person. So that was my first eye opener, other than getting the paperwork for the divorce. If you don't like going down to El Paso County. Just sit in a room with probably 200 people and watching this flipping film. Yeah, that was brutal.
Speaker 2:
Yeah Yeah. There was like a hundred people in our zoom, or however many zoom people you have at the time they were. it was filled.
Speaker 3:
So did they ask everybody a question.
Speaker 2:
Oh yeah, they're like, okay, and we need to do like the little clicker, everybody participate, yeah Well. And then the thing that gets me too is like they give you this, a lily, a packet, what? the 17th day after the second holidays, boba, where's your kid gonna be? Huh, i don't know what's Christmas. You know something comes up and you know You need to go out of town and where your kid's gonna be on the third Thursday of you know that was a questionnaire 36. Yeah, because our son is at the time when we're getting divorced. He was eight, so we needed eight or nine, and so we needed to know. I saw that parents years where he was gonna be yeah every day every day. We just did like alternating. If something comes up, we'll figure it out. And I'm like this is Because if you have, like you know, custody stuff or someone tries to go get more custody, if you or have a hundred percent No well, she didn't listen to her plan and I didn't get supervised stuff, or blah, blah, blah, blah. That plan that you have to submit is In their documents. So there's just a lot of shit that. How do you know? when you're going through all your expenses, you go I got $27 make, but it looks like I have 300,000, because our combined stuff together looks like that more. And so, yeah, there's just there's a lot of stuff that goes into getting divorced people. It is not easy, but if you're in a bad situation and you and your spouse are on the divorce track, don't let loneliness, isolation, parenting, all these prevent you from pulling the trigger because you need to be happy and we said all time number of seven self identity.
Speaker 3:
That's a big one, because, because you were, you were a couple and now you're single. Oh, and you're a whole different person and I've talked about this too.
Speaker 2:
Like I moved from my hometown to my ex's hometown and everybody knew His family. His dad was a doctor's, mom had a daycare, so they had big businesses in the town, in the area, so everybody knew them, who they were. He's one of five kids, so lots of generations of people, all the cousins, all everybody's related in the town, blah, blah, blah. I Did not know, and I can say until I moved here I was 42. Then you're seven years now. I did not know who Rachel was outside of John and Pat's daughter, sharon's sister, sharon has got cerebral palsy. I want to do say happy birthday to her, you know birthday, birthday birthday. I know she listens. So Sharon's big sister I was, you know, never really I hung out in a this group of people, you know Things like that. So then it became I was Jerry's wife, jacob, and Kimberly's mom and dad, logan's mom mom, if there was always some degree of outside of who I actually am. So Yes, i'm a nurse, yes, i do all those things, but until I moved here and had to sit in myself bubble.
Speaker 3:
You didn't have identity yet.
Speaker 2:
I didn't know who I was and I think I again. The podcast has really helped me. The friends that I've had here that were my own friends, like even after my divorce, the people that I've become closer friends with that outside of my ex-husband, our friend groups and stuff. I have learned What I will and will not take. I like I literally lived here like three weeks and my mom died, like what, so I was back and forth to Florida. I had all these things happening. So now I'm now I'm technically an orphan. I have no parents to call or fight with or you know, have any dynamic of family other than siblings or cousins or whatever, and then I'm going to divorce with nobody. You know my ex had the kids most of time because they had their bedrooms. You, know, when they came to visit. He made the money. He, you know, he could give them other things. I mean, there was a time where I was just like. I Never felt like I want to take myself out, but I was like if I was just not here it would be easier for everybody.
Speaker 1:
So I don't know that.
Speaker 2:
That doesn't mean I would hurt myself. It just meant I don't know how much more I can take.
Speaker 3:
I think the self-identity to is yeah is when you get divorced, it comes in stages. Yeah, it doesn't happen all of a sudden. Oh yeah, I'm that person.
Speaker 2:
Or they say do you want to keep your name or do you want to change it? And I opted to change it, but I still do have. My ex has his name because of all my licensing and all that stuff and all right scene self identity. Yeah, this was really hard, because you know, after all those things, that you're no longer. I'm still my kids parents. I'm Parent. I'm still you nurse. I'm still this, but who am I actually? what do I care about? What is my heart's desire? Where do I want to be? What's my hobbies? What's my interests? What are my boundaries? What are the things that I will no longer accept? and that takes rock bottom. That takes you know what? you've been drinking too much. You're not really in tones. You've been losing a lot of weight. Your fucking teeth are falling out because you're not.
Speaker 3:
So maybe the identity you become you don't want yeah so you have to switch it up.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, and it's almost like that. We can call it like BD and AD, before divorce and after divorce.
Speaker 3:
But I did, he did, he do it worse, double D, you're in the devil D's.
Speaker 2:
I mean, that's your hope phase too right.
Speaker 3:
Roadhouse double D's. Hey, hey, they remake a road house, the movie.
Speaker 2:
Yes, i don't need to I know, patrick Come on stop it. They are. They need to stop it.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, no, yeah, double D. Um the double D's.
Speaker 2:
It's like they made we made dirty dancing. I was like we need to stop. That's enough of that if they remake ghosts for fighting because baby. Yeah. So I think a lot of times when you're going to divorce, it really is a conscious Effort to say who am I, what do I like, what when I? and dating does that for you too. That's serial dating. That will throw you right into who you are, what you don't like and who you don't like, and wall of shit.
Speaker 3:
That's, that's. That's a whole different feeling change. Yeah, my god.
Speaker 2:
Well, I the other day it was funny because I was talking my daughter and well, that's when we were having our disagreement. I was like, in all my relationships, the way you describe me as like the bad guy. None of my other relationships would ever, you know, make me the villain or make me out to be like that. But that's that mom daughter dynamic, where I'm her safe space to be an asshole And I can be an asshole back to her because I'm just like no, you're not gonna talk to me like that And I don't think that I would go to the extreme, because I still feel like I'm trying to prove to her that I'm not just her Dad's wife, i'm not just, you know, her mom, i'm not just, you know, the nurse. Yeah, i'm not just this. I'm actually a human and have feelings and have all this stuff. So I think we really need to fight to figure out who we are and you got a fight.
Speaker 3:
So you're right to have self identity And a team and then party.
Speaker 2:
Yes so, yeah, i think we how do you guys even do that to you? are, like men, actually aware of themselves, like women do you know, men, men aren't thinkers, big, big thinkers.
Speaker 3:
So you know we're like oh, food, sex, sleep. But yeah, we think a little bit when you're in a force, though You're like shit.
Speaker 2:
I fucking failed. I know good, no one's gonna like me, oh God.
Speaker 3:
I'll be ugly forever. Nobody want all this, but everybody wants all this. So so I figure realize that everybody wants all this, and I was like whoa, everybody was kung fu fighting. Yeah no bitch were the fastest lightning. Once I found out that I had the power, i was like, oh shit, i got the power Yeah.
Speaker 2:
And do you really have that, that conscious effort of going Hey, this is nice, i'm worth, i'm enough, i'm worth this, this is my, this is women's stages.
Speaker 3:
I think that it grew in stages that I'm worth it, and Then it's it grew in stages that I quit dating crazy women. So the crazies went down, but I'm worth. It went up, you know, because you, because you start with no worth and freaking crazy as hell. Yeah and then it kind of evens up a little bit, because you're dating anything. Oh, pulse, i love you.
Speaker 2:
I think that's a dude thing. Like you, can't men? Men have a hard time being alone in general.
Speaker 3:
Oh yeah, And that's got me in trouble so many times.
Speaker 2:
Unless you're in that bachelor stage like fuck the world, i don't care about it, i'm just gonna be a player, like I think, once you're out of play or no more when you're coming out of divorce, too, you want to know that you're still valued as a human, because you failed in all those aspects and you're.
Speaker 3:
I think with men is like do you still have it?
Speaker 2:
Do you think there's still that divorce stigma that there was like 20 years ago?
Speaker 3:
I don't think so, because everybody's divorced. Yeah no, there's, there's no more stigma. That's one of the things you know. You know that that social stigma, Yeah, that's one. Yeah there is a slight stigma, but so many people divorce that stigma is so low. Yeah, yeah so there's married people, but you think the worst people is that now You know a bad thing on your self identity?
Speaker 2:
Oh, she's a divorced, 49 year old or she's a this She's no good, she's got bagged, she's got children, she had this, she did that, and now you know She just had a mature school nurse. Do you think that cup that affects your identity as a divorced human?
Speaker 3:
as a divorce man, it was more like you know you have to go with the deal breakers. Okay. So deal breaker for me was smoking. That was the biggest one I had. Everything else was negotiable. Then it became small kids, yeah. And then so the deal breakers just grew and grew. Because you're going through that dating phase And you're trying to figure it out so that that kind of helps your self identity too. Yeah, because the deal breakers gets you to narrow that that little playing field.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, instead of having a big yeah. So I've left right, you know, you got it. You got it. You got a note again too. It takes a while to gain.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, the game.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, okay.
Speaker 3:
I am the game.
Speaker 2:
Practical considerations Diverse often requires individuals to make practical adjustments, such as finding a new home to new jobs.
Speaker 3:
Those are big changes, oh yeah legal processes.
Speaker 2:
These practical considerations are can be overwhelming, and over.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, that can be so overwhelming. You know, changing, changing jobs, changing Who gets the house.
Speaker 2:
Why do you get the stack? The abode was huge.
Speaker 3:
You know, changing the boat was cool because we lost our house. Yeah, because of it, yeah, and so that was huge because, you know, that was the house I built and that's where the kids were raised, but we lost it.
Speaker 2:
So where the kids go to school and like you're, you know how, you know every turn to your job. Now you gotta go to a new neighborhood, you gotta go to this. You gotta find what school works for you. You may some people may have to get a new job, like I had a good job But because of COVID, and then it was a different. Oh shit, i have no money now because I can't find a job because COVID. And then it's oh, we gotta get a court this day. Well then, it's gonna cancel. Oh, i already took off and work that day to do that, but it's canceled because there's nobody at the court. So there was a lot of practical, practical considerations.
Speaker 3:
is freaking culvert? That's a practical consideration, that's huge.
Speaker 2:
Hey, when down, don't do that, don't get the worst doing COVID, yeah, wait don't get the worst doing the pandemic. Yeah, put that shit off. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:
I think she was like just keep cracking off a piece I, so you can get out, i think.
Speaker 2:
I cannot.
Speaker 3:
I cannot, i cannot.
Speaker 2:
I think one of the practical cheese. Yeah, where was I talking about? No, the other things that changes is friend dynamics.
Speaker 1:
Oh God, yes, That's huge.
Speaker 2:
Like if you're big on going to church on Sundays and now you're going by yourself. Oh, she's the, you know the maid. What do you call it When you get your older woman?
Speaker 3:
The matron Old maid, old maid, or something like that.
Speaker 2:
You're now that you know? oh, her husband left her, or she?
Speaker 3:
left her husband, or she did that. Yeah, you can start poaching all the men, though.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, no, that's, I'm good for that.
Speaker 3:
Okay, good.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, but there's so many changes that happen that you don't you don't prepare for it because, again, unless you've been through one before, But when they come?
Speaker 3:
but when they come, don't freak out. Yeah, Because they're coming.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Speaker 3:
Every day, or every couple of days, there's a new one. Just just just just roll with it.
Speaker 2:
Oh wait, I didn't know, or that people would be mad that they didn't know, and it's been like two, three months. You're like wait, I, I can.
Speaker 3:
How come I didn't know.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, i could barely feed myself and like sleep, but I forgot that I needed to tell you.
Speaker 3:
I'm like, okay, why don't you tell me what happened?
Speaker 2:
Or the proverbial change your last name or take your last name off of your Facebook. And it was like why did you change your name? What?
Speaker 3:
I was not changing my name, yeah.
Speaker 2:
You don't, okay, fuckers? Yeah, i refuse to change my name. Fuck off.
Speaker 3:
I refuse to change my name. I'm going to stick with my name You should change your name to my last name. There you go.
Speaker 2:
There we go.
Speaker 3:
This is our Consuelo Banana Hammock. Yeah, david Squirrel.
Speaker 2:
David the Squirrel.
Speaker 3:
Squirrel.
Speaker 2:
Okay, squirrels, do dentistry.
Speaker 1:
Yes.
Speaker 2:
What was your, your biggest overwhelming fear, when the new change like with your practice and all that, the business.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, practice house, mind-retangible things. Either it was kids or it was practice, so we had to negotiate, you know the buy out and things like that. That was huge.
Speaker 2:
Well, and she just wanted a lot.
Speaker 3:
Wow, that pretty much sums it up. Thanks for listening. You're welcome. Thanks for coming. She just wanted a lot, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:
She wanted your blood, sweat and tears, and your soul.
Speaker 3:
Oh yeah, sorry.
Speaker 2:
I got to stick up for you sometimes So. Okay, social stigma Hmm.
Speaker 3:
This is good, we did that.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, that one too Okay.
Speaker 3:
Fear of repeat failure. That's a big one for you.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're second generation. Yeah, and my thing was I am. When I got married. I am not getting divorced, i'm going to be the one that doesn't do anything with this.
Speaker 3:
I'm not going to do that. That's not going to be me.
Speaker 2:
There is no way that I have found the love of my life. That's it.
Speaker 3:
I'm going to work it out regardless. There'll be a reality. And then when?
Speaker 2:
you step outside of that what you thought was great Back to life.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, reality.
Speaker 2:
Reality can really affect all of these things that you have here, and I remember when I was first dating Lance, i was just like are you going to leave me? Are you going to do this? Are you going to be that? Are you a narcissist? Are you this, are you that? Because the big narcissist in my family wasn't even the one I was married to, it was an outside force. And so I'm like, oh, what's your family like? Or what's your kids like? Or what's this like, or?
Speaker 3:
what is your ex? Because you were scared, or what did you do? The fear, the fear. Yeah, that's the fear.
Speaker 2:
And so I think, if you we've had this discussion, him and I, I was like how long do you think I had my walls up? He goes. it was a long time, It was a lot of.
Speaker 3:
I think the podcast helped me go, Oh, that's okay, he owns me, he does I mean it's all about you If it wasn't for you, i mean there you go.
Speaker 2:
And that'scom.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, once again. divorce number 132, prison number three of divorce recovery fearing change. What's up with top 10? Top 10.
Speaker 2:
To understand these fears as a part of the divorce recovery process, seeking support from family, friends and professionals such as therapists and divorce coaches. And podcast And our podcast Um can help individuals like navigate these fears and embrace the necessity of change and healing and growth. So basically, work on yourself, figure out what you need. All these things are doable. Like you can get past most of these things.
Speaker 3:
You were survive And it I'm a gainer.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, and once you have your identity back, it becomes easier. So all these things yes, it's a back and forth and it's a roller coaster and all the proverbial things that everybody says and it's all the cliches and it's all this shit, but there's also milestones, and when you finally smile for the first time for not like without feeling guilty or you have a day where you don't think about a divorce at all, or so nice, you're able to call or text your ex and it's not a fight, there's little tiny wins Yeah. And again, then there's these big things that punch in your gut. You have no air. You're like, oh shit, i need to call the ambulance. Like there's a lot of things that happen that are going to get you food, and each time they happen they're a little less. And each time that you come out and be like, oh, look at how strong I am. And then you look back three and a half years, however many years you've been divorced, because we never know. You're like, look at how far I've come and look at how much I've healed and look at how fearless I have been come.
Speaker 3:
And I think that's part of it. You've succeeded.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Speaker 3:
And you've. It's the healing process. You know, you know we're so healing.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, and I don't think we've become fearless like totally, because there's times where shit comes up like, oh, like talking about this, like I was so alone and so isolated and so disconnected from the only people here that I know of my family, and it actually made me step into more friends, like figuring out who my true friends were here, um. So, yeah, step out of that comfort zone, figure it out Again. We don't. We are definitely advocates for staying in marriage, working it out, therapy, but with fear, in this divorce recovery process, take the good with the bad and just know that each day is going to get better. There's going to be shitty days, but each day is going to get better. You're going to smile Where you're going to find happy. You might find a new relationship, whatever it is, whatever, whenever you're ready. Just take that first step out of here.
Speaker 3:
All right. Episode 132, prison number three. Love you Bye, bye.
