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The realistic expectations of divorce and divorce recovery are many. We are talking about just our top ten. Ever found yourself on the emotional rollercoaster of divorce recovery and felt like the lone rider? We've been there, and in this episode of Divorce Devil, we're sharing our personal experiences to let you know you're not alone. Strap in as we lay out the unpredictable terrain of this journey, painting vivid comparisons with the irregular weather patterns of Colorado Springs.
Discussions of:
We're also getting real about the practical adjustments you'll need to navigate during your divorce recovery. From legal and financial shifts to redefined boundaries, we open up about it all. We believe that by understanding our emotions, we can better handle our reactions to the inevitable twists and turns. In the spirit of authenticity, we grant you permission to laugh, cry, and everything in between.
And of course, no journey through the tumultuous recovery process would be complete without some solid advice on finding happiness after divorce. We talk about the art of patience, the value of honesty with children, and the power of forgiveness. Divorce recovery might be a chaotic ride, but trust us, you've got this. Join us for an enlightening and hopefully chuckle-worthy conversation that will guide you through the process.
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David:
Music Hi. Is that better? That was really awesome, hi. Welcome everybody out there to Divorce Double, episode 138. What we are jamming, dave and Rachel talking about divorce recovery, recovering from divorce that's our specialty. We're not professionals, we just been through a lot of shit.
Rachel:
We just play them on TV.
David:
Yeah, play them on TV. So if you're Acting, your way through. If you're hurting through your divorce recovery or even your divorce, listen to our podcast. Yeah, we have some stuff to help you out and maybe not, and we're funny and you'll be thinking you're David's singing.
Rachel:
Yes, yes, we are just I think we're alone now. It doesn't seem to be anyone around.
David:
Oh, that's sad, that's sad. That's not making our food, just sat right away.
Rachel:
That's not starting up.
David:
Today we're talking about realistic expectations. Last week, we talked about unrealistic expectations, which is my favorite. Yes, we have lots of unrealistic expectations in life, in divorce, in school, in church, everywhere yeah, everywhere.
Rachel:
You want that instant feel good. Yeah, I had a problem. It needs to go away.
David:
Get over it. Oh wow, what a concept. Oh my God.
Rachel:
Oh wait, Are you talking about before the mics are on? Yes, before the mics are on David fuck off, so thank you, so our first, do it exactly as I say.
David:
Realistic expectation is that's a process. Yeah, it doesn't go Like you just said. It doesn't go snap.
Rachel:
Yeah, and I think to like going through a divorce. There are steps of getting divorced, but they are not the same Yours and mine. That you know. I could have the same, even with my ex-spouse. It wasn't the same experience. He was going through his thing, I'm going through my thing, even though we were going through the exact process of it together right, which makes it kind of a hard play to make a playbook man. Yeah, there's not really a guide that says Okay, step one, let's do this. And I think when you're hurt or you're being hurt, you just want the pain to go away. So you're like, oh, I'm going to go sign. When I sign the papers and it's over. I have no more emotion, I have no more nothing.
David:
Everything's done, that's it News slash wake up.
Rachel:
Yeah, there's a lot of steps in between and you know you can plan for the party all day, but shit's going to go wrong. You know if someone's going to drop the cake, someone's going to do the thing you know Someone's got to spike the punch. Oh, don't reduce all for all. Spack the punch, they'll eat the fruit.
David:
And it's usually the gay uncle.
Rachel:
Yes, yes, yes, oh, we all need one of them.
David:
I got one. Well, no, my kids have one. Yeah, cool, yeah, you're meeting. Yay, I'm like um mom see we were having a good time.
Rachel:
David are you upset about the process or what's.
David:
Are we talking about the first recovery? We sidetracked?
Rachel:
So that's another nice and elizionist podcast. I try to like there's a Furby on the shelf in the back here and I'm thinking like at any moment that thing is going to come alive, yeah, and killed everybody.
David:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, just back to the force recovery.
Rachel:
Did you know there's aliens that are? The government said there's aliens, they're real, you know. Okay, wow, back to divorce recovery.
David:
Realistic expectations, yeah. So number two ups and downs are normal. That's part of the process. You know you're going to have a good day, it's going to have bad days. Every day Won't be a good day, um, every day won't be a bad day, um, and it's not linear. That's the word linear. It is not linear. It doesn't keep going up and up. It kind of like. Kind of like like the stock market, yeah, damn stock market. Divorce recovery, yeah.
Rachel:
I mean and you also have to remember to like every step you take forward in your divorce something's been lost, something's been different, something's changed. So like, okay, I have to move out of the house, I'm getting a new house, but I lost my own house.
David:
It was the home where we were together as a family, blah, blah blah.
Rachel:
I have to get a new car because there's I had. I lost it into divorce, or I have to do whatever it is. You know how do you split up the pet. You either get a new pet.
David:
You get the pet dog and a half Exactly so kind of like magic.
Rachel:
So you either get half a pet or you either get a new pet or you get the old pet, but someone's lost the pet Right. So there's a lot of things.
David:
I got the dog when you're going forward. I got the dog.
Rachel:
Yeah, I got one of the dogs we had.
David:
Thankfully we had two, so um but yeah, do they get played age.
Rachel:
No, but I get to see the other dog when I drop with someone else sometimes, so they don't play dates.
David:
There's a visitation. No, what kind of shit is that? It sucks, so the dog suffer.
Rachel:
Yeah.
David:
Okay, cool.
Rachel:
All right. Well, think about the dogs. Yeah, what's the dog agreement?
David:
Like you know, the dog has lost the sibling Faced agreement, dog agreement, right, whatever, so yeah.
Rachel:
So you get to step forward or every step back you're like, geez, I can't do that again. But eventually you get through it and it's easier, and then you know there's less, there's less downs, there's a occasional downs and as you get further out of it, it's like, oh, I should be sobbing, because last year I was sobbing at Christmas, or this year I'm going to sob less, or you know, if you have or now I'm just going to sniffle. Yeah, so yeah, it's. Even though there's ups and downs, it will get better and they'll be. You know, I remember If someone asked me how I was and I was having a minute, I'd just cry and then it was like, please don't ask me, like today.
David:
Did you ever get cried out? You know like you had no more tears.
Rachel:
Well, I got cried out because I got the puffy eyes and couldn't see anymore and my body.
David:
I just, you know, exhausted. Yeah, like you're not. Like you're like like got no more liquid. Yeah, you're done.
Rachel:
I think you have to get there, though, too. You've got to get to the down deep low bottom to pull yourself up.
David:
I think it because really bad. You could put KY jelly in your eyes, it's.
Rachel:
David, not everybody has that readily available. I mean what you do in your private.
David:
And you want to be sure to wipe off the top. But you know you don't want to transfer any, any cooties to your eyes.
Rachel:
I swear it's just KY jelly Where'd the check back.
David:
Can you put KY jelly in your eyes?
Rachel:
People we do not recommend doing that?
David:
Is it a a eye substitute?
Rachel:
I mean it's a lubricant for some things.
David:
Like eye lubricant or even like dry mouth lubricant.
Rachel:
What do you get? Like the enhancing one? These are like enhancing your. I swear. I just put it on my eyes.
David:
My eyes are swollen.
Rachel:
Sorry, wrong, jelly.
David:
Smuckers.
Rachel:
Does it have flavor? What is happening?
David:
I think I'm sucking on toast.
Rachel:
Why is there seeds?
David:
Gotta get the jam. No seeds.
Rachel:
I'm thinking like toe jam.
David:
No, toe jam is kind of like, kind of like feathers, feathers. You know, yeah, what?
Rachel:
are you talking about All from your socks? Maybe, yeah, oh, okay, all right, let's stop talking about feet. I'm not.
David:
Okay, number three Everyone's timeline is different. Yes, yes.
Rachel:
Yeah Well, even when I started the podcast here with you, I thought it was doing great.
David:
Until you hit certain subjects.
Rachel:
Until I got to like there's a lot of things because I've been doing the podcast that when a topic came up, I didn't know how I felt until I was on air and I could prepare it and prepare it. And then when I start talking about it, you get that little lump. You're like, oh shit. Well, what I really think is this, and I don't think, unless you are journaling, verbalizing, venting, talking to a therapist, you ever really feel all the feels. Again, we have topics we talk about, like I don't know how I felt about leaving another dog behind until I see him and I'm like I have to leave my dog behind. You know, again like there's so many things that you think about going through divorce and then, when you're put in your face to like talk as a topic, it's like I think it was the best therapy for me because I am a talker, as you see how do you pick which which dog to take. Well, I didn't take any dogs at first because I was moving into someone else's house, and so my ex tried to get a home for our other dog, who's Rosie, who I have now and the first she's. Twice he tried to get rid of her and she didn't get along with small dogs, which is crazy, because we have a small dog and they're like best friends.
David:
But it's you though.
Rachel:
You're there, and so that's like, just bring her, just bring her here, she'll be fine and she's fine she worked out. She's just a big hairy giant, but that's so, is he?
David:
Dove guys okay. Hey, doves okay with me. Yes, dove guy Okay.
Rachel:
But yeah, and I think too, like there's some people I know that have been divorced like five, six, seven, 10 years, and they are not over it because they were left or someone cheated on them, or they were left with everything or abandoned, and yeah and so, but you're over, you're over the divorce part, you're just you. Just now you're getting into a new marriage and that's probably bringing up a lot of things that not really.
David:
No, no, he's an anomaly, I'm just chilling, yeah, you know. Yeah, that's me. It's a different.
Rachel:
it's a different circumstance, different person, different atmosphere, different, you know, totally different relationship and you know again two people who love each other very much.
David:
I've I've trained this one or been trained, gallery. Don't worry, I'll kick him for you. Yeah, been trained, been trained, okay, yes, yes.
Rachel:
But yeah, you can expect if you're going through a divorce and another friend is going to divorce their timelines or not, the same depending on if you have kids or dogs, properties, you know, whatever things. Some people's divorces take three years, four years, five years are longer, depending on your and that forgiveness time timeline is really long for some people.
David:
Oh yeah, fuck off.
Rachel:
Fuck off, and it's not even necessarily forgiving my spouse of anything. It's just the scenarios that I allowed. I think that's where my forgiveness comes in, like I allowed people to treat me shitty.
David:
Because you, but now you have better boundaries. Oh, gosh.
Rachel:
Yeah, Now I'm like oh, almost almost. Fuck off, david, shut up. Oh almost, we're going to, we're going to dismiss that one Number four.
David:
Yeah, what is it?
Rachel:
Emotions will vary. You may experience a whole wide range of emotions, from relief to sadness, to anger, to fear. You could do that in like a minute. That happens in a minute.
David:
Sometimes you're first in it Kind of like the weather in Colorado Springs. Oh my hell, it's no hail rain, jesus, it's 95.
Rachel:
Then it's 70. Then it's 98. Then I'm like there's a monsoon, tornado, lightning, hurricane, force, winds.
David:
All you people in the, in part of the country where you're, where you're sweating. It is crazy in Colorado. What's this?
Rachel:
humidity thing.
David:
I never felt that here Because it's so rainy. Oh my God, it's crazy.
Rachel:
And the clouds are like, oh my gosh, they're just dark.
David:
So so you get divorce recovery and a weather report. Yeah, yes.
Rachel:
I mean you could be. If anybody wants to come to Colorado and be a weather person, you can have your job forever because you could say aliens are going to fall out of the sky and will happen.
David:
But you know what they say. But yeah, what, what? The darker the cloud, you never go back.
Rachel:
What the hell? What happened?
David:
here. Okay, number, where are we at?
Rachel:
Five we're at Emotions, Like so you can feel all four is the emotions. You can feel all the feels in a minute. You can have a great day, you can have a you know awesome day. You can have a bad day, all the things. Something comes into you for the divorce or about the divorce, or someone doesn't know and you have to tell them or whatever. All the emotions. Don't expect not to have all the emotions and just ride the wave of those Like sometimes you just got to laugh.
David:
Oh yeah, sometimes you just At the most unopportuned moment.
Rachel:
Yeah, cause. Then people just think you're crazy. Yeah, they're going crazy.
David:
She, she, she's laughing, she's crying.
Rachel:
It's better, because they're like are you crying or laughing? And I'm like, but they don't know. Yeah, oh, this is my favorite.
David:
What.
Rachel:
Self-care. Oh yeah, number five.
David:
Self-care is like the number one thing you got to do. Yeah, I think, when you, when you get divorced and you're doing divorce recovery, I think Take care of yourself.
Rachel:
Divorce survival 101 is self-preservation. Yep, at all costs, I mean, of course, don't neglect your children, don't cut the cat in half.
David:
So you can give parts to them. Don't, don't kill anybody.
Rachel:
Yeah, don't hurt anybody.
David:
Unless you get away with it, dude.
Rachel:
Dude, I've been watching too many Meridian Mystery things, framinal cases.
David:
What's the one? Oh Snapped, the one where the woman killed the man? Oh yeah, man, you guys are.
Rachel:
I've never seen that one. I've never. I never watched it or took notes.
David:
You've. You've never seen the one lady who gave two husbands antifreeze? Oh, you know, you never saw that one. Oh yeah, Inside she shut down, Damn. Oh yeah, that's. That's why they put the bit the bittering agent in there.
Rachel:
Maybe he was cold and she's just like fine, I'm gonna antifreeze. You See it warmed up, I don't know. But yeah, self care doesn't just mean like going to get a massage. I mean that's part of it, but it's also working on your shit, Like there's a reason you're getting divorced and it may not be your fault, but a marriage is two people and somewhere you either disconnected stopped and again, it doesn't mean you caused divorce. That means that how am I going to do better to make myself better now that I'm getting divorced or divorced?
David:
Correct.
Rachel:
Right, yeah, cause we eventually, we want to ascend to be the most amazing human ever and then, you know, just be the ruler of everything. So that's my goal.
David:
Wow.
Rachel:
I'm ascending.
David:
Number six support is crucial.
Rachel:
Yeah, definitely have a wire bra, because if you got that other shit, all the ladies as you get older ladies too those ladies start to fear in all the different.
David:
We're not talking about that support, so support is crucial.
Rachel:
Therapy.
David:
Therapy friends, the correct friends. Oh yeah, you can't have friends bring you down.
Rachel:
Well, I think too. It's so funny how the trash takes itself out.
David:
I love that saying, but sometimes it doesn't.
Rachel:
But you gotta help it sometimes. But as the trash is leaving, you're making parking spaces for the new. You're welcome. I know who are you right now. I am amazed you. Every day You're making space for people that do care and show you how to care. You're like huggy and lovey and I want to tell you how great you are and they're like, yeah, don't touch me, yeah, whatever. But bring me a protein shake because I'm neat in a couple of days.
David:
But there's a place for those people that aren't huggy Every now and then. You need that.
Rachel:
You need them going. What are you doing? Wait, stop. First of all, we're not going to do that.
David:
This is what we're going to do.
Rachel:
Everybody has a role. The things that you expect to be there aren't always there because they don't know how to deal with you in a different personality, Because I'm always like the bubbly happy, you know, trying to make everybody else.
David:
I'm the caregiver.
Rachel:
But when you change, they're like oh, I needed support or I needed someone to just listen or care for me in this time. Then people were like I don't know how to do that. You're supposed to support my emotional distress, but I don't know how to support yours.
David:
Then you have to create boundaries and put those people in a category. Yeah, you're going to say, I don't want advice from you.
Rachel:
I think to a lot of the people that are still in my life, like friend groups and stuff like that. I know at any time we can talk for a month, I can call them up or I can text them or whatever, and they're like what, what do you need?
David:
Okay, yes, Just in the room you left off.
Rachel:
Yeah, and those are the best kind of friends too, where you're like hey, I didn't finish telling my story three weeks ago so you had to go and I forgot. But hey, did you hear this? Or those are the kinds of friends that, and I guess too. I realized how many of my friends I was their support and I didn't realize it, and when I wasn't available they were angry at me that I couldn't solve their world problem.
David:
That's selfish man, that is so selfish.
Rachel:
There's a lot of people that are like well, I have this, this, this and that, and then I'm like I'll have time for you. And then never ask me like how I'm doing, because I'm supposed to be the strong girl. I've been through a lot of shit. You know, I'm the healthcare provider.
David:
But that's your fault because you had a lot of expectations.
Rachel:
And then, when I started setting boundaries on it, I was the asshole.
David:
That's okay, be an asshole, you're not there for me.
Rachel:
You don't talk to me and you're very selfish. I'm like I'm selfish and I had to actually start being selfish. You go and you know I don't, I can't do that today.
David:
Everybody can be a friend. I love the new, get rid of some friends. Yeah, you know it's kind of like, especially when you get married.
Rachel:
You want less friends because it's expensive to invite people there. Get Well you know, you know how you Did he start giving off some invites into your life?
David:
Now you know how you clean up your Facebook friends. Yeah, you need to clean up your real friends. Oh, yeah, you need to take out that trash. Yeah, yeah. That's fun, though I like cleaning up my Facebook friends Like no, no, no, I thought we were friends.
Rachel:
Is this shirt they wore? Nah, did you see that like?
David:
this, oh damn.
Rachel:
What was I thinking?
David:
I hate the way she wears her mascara. Number seven growth and learning. You know. Learn for your mistakes.
Rachel:
See, I'm growing and learning. I'm not that petty.
David:
Well, you are that petty, but I am, but it's okay. Different story yeah, growth and learning. This is a time of personal growth and self-discovery. Self-discovery is huge, yeah, yeah.
Rachel:
Well, I say too, like at the end of my marriage, like when I was really journaling and I went back finally to be like I want people, I want to do something with journaling for other women, men, whatever where it's more or less like here's a cue how are you feeling? And if you're feeling this way, go to this chapter going hey, this is how you can get through some grief and this is how you can get through something Like a flow chart. Yeah, Like one of those books like Pick the Ending and Turn to Page 75. So like if you're feeling more grief today after you've read some cues, go here and read this passage. If you're feeling happy after you've worked on some of the go to page whatever. So I'm trying to work on something that's like that, but putting it all together and making each thing go.
David:
Kind of like the Iowa Basics Score Test for your old people out there.
Rachel:
But it's like an algorithm to get you to what you need for that day. Normally, journaling Cause like sometimes you wake up and you're just like I'm hormonal, I'm tired, I gotta go to fucking work. Today I'm going to deal with people's shit, but I'm actually got. You know, I feel okay. Well, the next day could be the same thing and I'm just like drained, tired. You know, got a headache. So when I'm journaling, I may have a different take on some of the things and that might help me with my day. Or even at the end of the day, when you've had some stuff happening. Like you know, why am I irritated? Why did I let someone else create this for me in my day and how can I change? Or how can I read through and be like you know what? Today I'm going to do this, I'm going to go for a walk or whatever. So I think what happens is you really need to learn what your, what your makeup is, because I again, like I saying at the end of my marriage, I was picking fights to see if he's still cared, and then it was like I stopped because I didn't care and then it was well, we're going through divorce. If you care about me at all, do but it up. Well, you just sent me this mean text, and now I'm gonna.
David:
Go back and forth, back and forth, bam, bam, bam. That was me being Vindictive right, petty and all that stuff.
Rachel:
So I think you know a lot of mine was like I Don't fight, I hate fighting. My parents fought all the time as a kid and then you know like physically, altercations, things thrown, all this stuff and this sound like when someone raises their voice it kind of just gives me like a pain. So now I'm like I Created that, I created that in my marriage, where it's like I'm just gonna yell cuz you're gonna listen, and blah, blah, blah. And he was the same way. He's gonna punch a wall. I'm gonna do this, you know, not like but you learned number. Yeah. Well, so no learning how to communicate the shit out of things. So there doesn't come a time where I have to be like, oh well, I mean, that was me or that was mine, and you know I could said Lance, I've never had a fight. We have times where he'll say something like I don't agree, but I'm not angry that he doesn't have my yeah, it's not a big big when you're married, it's like, well, why don't?
David:
you want to go? We go with your friends everywhere.
Rachel:
Why don't you?
David:
and it was like I killed my status quo again.
Rachel:
If he wants to go with friends, go. I Don't want to go, that's okay. If I want to go, that's okay too. So like there's a lot of things that you have to take ownership of, to learn and grow, because you can't grow if you're, you don't ever think You're the problem number eight legal and financial adjustments.
David:
We're not, we're not professionals, but we've been through it. Definitely, definitely.
Rachel:
You.
David:
Result to your lawyer and or CPA and and get, get that going, but but your life's gonna change. Yeah you know, unless you're rich gonna get rich unless you've got got a lot of money.
Rachel:
Equally have a much money on both ends like you both have money. Yeah, just because you're married doesn't necessarily like that You're gonna keep that Thing, because if your spouse makes more money than you and now he has to pay you, he's still making his money Enough to also pay you, but still living that high life. Fail if you didn't work, but if you also worked. Now there's a means where they're trying to get you closer together. That doesn't mean you're gonna be as rich as you are. You don't have that double income. There's gonna be a little bit of adjustment and I think that's where a lot of times you know child support and all those other stuff I was like I don't want his money but I need it because I got $27 bank COVID hit all these things that were coming into play like You're making the same amount of money you did. I lost my job because of COVID, so you were able to maintain a salary were again.
David:
One of my favorite stories from a friend yeah, his future ex was he worked like four days a week, yeah, and she petitioned the judge to make him work another day a week so she get more alimony. Serious story, my friend no. No, the judge did not agree.
Rachel:
But is she capable of working.
David:
I'm not going to go into this specifics, for my friend.
Rachel:
You don't want to out your friend?
David:
Yeah, I don't want to out my friend. Darn it. Yes, is that crazy, or what? No, I've heard some crazy shit oh yeah, yeah, when you deal with finances and legal stuff, it gets crazy, and I think you Expect it to get crazy. Don't be surprised if it gets crazy. Oh yeah, no.
Rachel:
There is a legal aspect, you're like wait, what that should be making this. I'm the mom, I'm the person. I stay home. I didn't go to school because I took care of the kids, because I got pregnant when I was 18 or-. You know, there's a lot of things that go into what you think you're worth, but what you're actually going to get Usually isn't what your lifestyle glamour is going to Unless you're like-.
David:
And prepare for things not to be fair.
Rachel:
Oh yeah. Be prepared to talk to every fucking creditor To talk to every credit card, every bank going hey, I'm getting divorced, I need you to help me out. Can you lower my interest rate? Can?
David:
you do this. Reach out to everybody I have never missed a payment.
Rachel:
Blah, blah, blah. What can I do? What is Is there any help for a single mom? Don't think you're too good to like-.
David:
Get help if you need it. Grovel, grovel, grovel like a mother Go on dates to get fed. I'm just saying there you go Serial dates, whatever you want. If you want some frozen flakes, some Count Chocula, breakfast, bagels, coffee, you know.
Rachel:
Everything bagels whatever you need.
David:
Can we meet for breakfast? Can we meet for breakfast at snooze?
Rachel:
I start work at nine. Can we meet at like 7.30? Because?
David:
I really want, like an almond and oh wait, I didn't order my food and I need half hour to put my makeup on in the bathroom.
Rachel:
Yeah, so, yeah, don't Damn. Yeah, just there are resources out there. There's a lot of things that can help you get through until there's that, you know, because you don't get a check right away.
David:
No.
Rachel:
A lot of people I know too like, especially when I lived up in Marksburg, freezing up their assets what the shit? Yeah, Like you can't use your debit card, Can't do shit. You can't take out cash, especially if your name's not like the primary thing of the card, or you're just a card holder. Get ready for the craziness I was the wife and was a card holder and could not get money. I'm like what Damn? No, wait what my money pays. Some of these things too.
David:
All right, let's get off the legal means. We'll be here all day. Oh yeah, Because I can't get on.
Rachel:
We are not legal people. Yeah, yeah Again if you're thinking about giving orders? Start stashing that money away, girls.
David:
So girls you know, your mom always says guys stashed that money, girls no. Girls you know your mom always says put $20 in the glove compartment, save for a rainy day.
Rachel:
you know, we got that hidden stash. Yep, get yourself put it, put it in, oh, and you're not going to get your nails done and your eyebrows done and your Botox and your things, because that costs money, because if your stuff is frozen, unless you got good glass skills you ain't getting extensions.
David:
It doesn't matter where your ass sets.
Rachel:
Yeah, yuck, yuck, yuck. Yeah, you ain't getting no Brazilian Buttleg.
David:
All right, let's get off that one, because we're here all day. Number nine starting over can be exciting. Yeah, it takes a while to figure that one out though. Yeah, because you know.
Rachel:
Sears is expensive when you got 27.
David:
You wake up in your own bed with no arguing yeah, no, that stuff, doing what you want to do, not having to ask someone if you can go do something. Do you want to do this together Can?
Rachel:
I go to Target and spend $35? Yeah, can I go to that? Yeah, and get it done. Oh, yeah, what do you mean? You went to the dollar store. Oh, you had to get a crayon.
David:
Oh, you be in trouble now because it's a dollar quarter. Oh shit, oh yeah, fuck, I got half a crayon, yep, crayon.
Rachel:
Well, how do you say it, crayon?
David:
Crayon, crayon.
Rachel:
Crayon, yeah, and I think too, like when you're again right, when you're first started in a divorce, it's like I'm not desirable, I'm not this, I'm not that, but you also have to go. Ok, well, I have all the time in the world now to take care of me, because, especially if you kids, your kids, are half-time with your spouse. So what are you going to do with those three and a half days that you don't have them? You can work on yourself, you can journal, you can find a new hobby, do all these things. Self-reflect, and I think those are the times when you are. I remember some of my most deep learning, deep conversations with myself or in my space. For now, what, what do you know? Like, ok, I can't say I don't have time to go for a walk, I don't have time to do this, I don't have the time to learn this, I don't have time to finish my work, I don't have time for that, because I did, I had the time, it's lonely, it's fucking lonely. And I think that's where serial dating comes in, where you're just like I just don't want to be alone. I've been with someone for 26 years of my life, every day, saw them, unless they were away for business or whatever, and now I got nothing. I don't have my kids, I don't have my spouse, I don't have a friend when they're gone for that week, especially when friends, pick up the side. You're like I can't even call the person that I called all the time for my shit.
David:
Thanks, Chey, you know so.
Rachel:
I think you know that new relationship or just the excitement of a first date, even if that's all it went, is a first date or meeting friends out on a school night, because you don't got your kid. You know was exciting. You know going to dinner by yourself.
David:
Just getting out of the house or getting out of the apartment?
Rachel:
The apartment, yep, but it was some of the best things. I'm like I don't have to have anybody picking at my food. I don't. I can pick everything on the menu If I want I can. You know, I want one wing. I'll have one wing and I'll take the rest home. You know, like we're not going to eat that, yeah that. So don't not having to ask anybody or deciding who you get to go see. You know, I'm going to a concert. I don't have my son this weekend. I'm going why? Because I want to.
David:
Because I can yeah.
Rachel:
So new relationship, like new friendships too, because a lot of people that I know now don't didn't know me married Yep, you know.
David:
And a lot of people. They know you're single yeah.
Rachel:
And so or you know, they know me with Lance only, or whatever. So I think a lot of things can be exciting. It's just that out, that outlook that you have on you know, this is my new normal that huge negative outlook.
David:
Yeah, this, this is horrible. This is a difficult word, but it will.
Rachel:
And if you put negative out there, you're going to get negative back.
David:
So put positive out there, okay.
Rachel:
So that is not going to suck as bad, but yeah it's. It's one of those things, and then your favorite Forgiveness takes time. Given no fucks, takes no time. You can just say it in your smile Forgiveness.
David:
Yeah, also, giving no fucks takes time too. Yeah, because it took you what? Six months a year to give no fucks?
Rachel:
Yeah, yeah Well, and I? I kept saying I gave no fucks, but behind the mask was I care so much I can't believe you're that shitty that I can't stop caring. So you're almost pissed off at yourself that you keep caring, that you keep caring. And then you're like, fuck, I can care or not, it's still going to be the same bullshit. So why not make someone laugh when you go? I give no fucks.
David:
Or maybe just forgive them and move on. Ah, fuck off.
Rachel:
I'm not. You know what's funny too.
David:
We're going to be three, four years as podcasts and you're still giving fucks you know what it is too.
Rachel:
I don't think I'm harboring any ill.
David:
Yeah, but you want. You want them to realize that they wronged you and they should apologize.
Rachel:
That's never got to happen and it's not even that anymore, cause like I'm at a space now or like it doesn't affect me until it affects me. So in a moment of something I'd be like what the fuck? Like you fucking apologize. And then after that I'm like, okay, it doesn't matter.
David:
So I give, I get up and down.
Rachel:
David asked me to think about a topic and I'm like ah fuck yeah. It's one of those where my day to date is not affected by that.
David:
Only when we talk about it.
Rachel:
Exactly. Or if my son comes home and he's like I was that and blah, blah, blah, blah blah and which hasn't happened in a long time.
David:
So it's like it hasn't affected me.
Rachel:
Now I have a friend who's newly going through it and she's she's got four kids and she's trying to figure out her way of the world. And you know how to least affect the kids. I go affect them now.
David:
Yeah, get over with. Yeah, don't try to hide it.
Rachel:
Yeah, and talk to them at their age level of what you know they can handle. Because you're the mom, you know them better than anybody else.
David:
Kids are smarter, you think? And again kids are fucking smart.
Rachel:
I thought my son was doing great, and then he had the whole stomach thing and his anxiety and his stress and his old stuff. And we're three, three years out. So you know, four years in it, three years out, and he still gets like why can't mom and dad be together? He still cares about Lance and you know, you know my ex's girlfriend, but it's almost like I'm gonna, he's gonna, have more years soon of us not being together.
David:
Yeah.
Rachel:
And so there's a lot of things that you can talk to your kids about, and I think the more you share and the more human they see you. They understand that whatever they're feeling, that mom and dad are also going through.
David:
So, once again, with real expectations, remember it.
Rachel:
Your kids are going to be affected.
David:
Everyone's experience with divorce recovery is different. There's no right or wrong way to navigate this process. Take it one day at a time. Be patient with yourself and seek help when you need it.
Rachel:
And just because you make a misstep in it doesn't mean that you've failed.
David:
No.
Rachel:
It means that you got to pick yourself up, that's a human. Yeah, figure it out.
David:
We survived. No, no, no, we're surviving, yeah.
Rachel:
I'm a survivor, exactly An active survivor, yeah, yeah. And you can only fight the good fight if you're willing to look in the mirror and see how far you've come and make new friends.
David:
Make that change.
Rachel:
Make new friends, yep, but keep the old ones.
David:
What are you talking about?
Rachel:
There's gold that's from the girl's counts. I've got something in my pocket that belongs across my face. I keep it very close to me in the most convenient place.
David:
I'm sorry folks, I'm going to take it out and put it on. I'm just going to apologize, right now I'm going to mess up that part. But oh, my little Brian, I'm just going to apologize right now, brian, smile, you're welcome. Yeah.
Rachel:
How's my singing?
David:
Let's go ahead and close that out with girl's counts. Yeah, brownie, brownie scouts.
Rachel:
Yes, do you ever hear the brownie joke?
David:
I'm not sure I want to hear it, but go ahead. It's fun, okay, it's probably inappropriate.
Rachel:
Let me think List, list, list.
David:
Yeah, let's not say that one, let's not say that one, we'll be going to court. All right, everybody Heal, do your best. What else can you tell?
Rachel:
No matter a realistic expectation or unrealistic expectation, shit's going to happen. It's how you deal with it in general in life, not just the fourth. How you react to the situation is how quickly or how fast you're going to get through this process and you don't get through it. You just live with it.
David:
And we can do it because we're crazy. Oh yeah, we are off the chain Because we give no fucks. No, you give no fucks.
Rachel:
David's forgiven.
David:
Yes, I forgive him. David has forgiven. Yes, forgiven.
Rachel:
Yay, david, you get a badge and that's to your sash.
David:
I get a brownie point. Yuck, yuck, yuck.
Rachel:
Okay folks, it's been fun. We are not allowed to dive jokes on this podcast. It's going to be funny.
David:
All right, everybody have a nice night. Bye-bye, love you.
Rachel:
Bye.
