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Ever felt like you're on a roller coaster of emotions following a divorce? We've been there, and we're here to debunk myths about the divorce recovery process, sharing our personal experiences about the highs and lows, such as anger, guilt, loneliness, and blame. Strap in, because it's a wild ride, but we promise you’re not alone.
Discussions of:
Transformation through forgiveness, we believe, is vital in the healing process. But what does "giving no f*cks" really mean? Well, it's not about indifference; rather, it's a powerful form of self-care. We also grapple with the guilt of feeling happiness post-divorce and navigate the tricky waters of having fun without relying on money. Transitioning from a high lifestyle to a simpler one can be daunting, but ultimately rewarding.
Entering a new relationship post-divorce comes with its own set of challenges. We offer insights into understanding the expectations we bring into new relationships, setting healthy boundaries, and learning from our new partners. Hear our thoughts on the tricky topic of choosing sides in a divorce and how to handle disappointment when friends and family don't meet our expectations. Further, we tackle the taboo of not staying in a marriage for the sake of the children. This episode isn't just a podcast, it's a treasure trove of valuable insights shared from the heart.
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I'm always ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready. Oh, you record it.
David:Yep, I had both buttons this time, oh good job. Welcome everybody out there to Divorce Devill, episode 137. David and Rachel and the Mike. And today we're talking about what are some of the unrealistic expectations of a divorce recovery? What are some of the people so wrong and so in left field like they have unrealistic expectations? Like this should go smoothly. This is going to be a piece of cake. I'm not going to cry.
Rachel:I think the big one is once the papers are signed, there's no more emotion.
David:Oh, like people are like oh, I signed the papers, turn it off, that's it, we're done.
Rachel:Well, that's not what happened.
David:That's not going to work for you.
Rachel:Yeah.
David:So we have 10, 12 things.
Rachel:I got some numbers here.
David:So the first one is immediate recovery. Those people are impatient.
Rachel:Well, I think too that, like depending on the sand. Yeah, depending on who pulls the plug to the proverbial plug. You know, that person that left the marriage or the person that's leaving because they had an affair. They move on quick, but then eventually they're it's going to hit them.
David:I think it's delayed for the person who pulls the trigger.
Rachel:Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so they think, well, I've worked it out in my head, I've gone through all the scenarios, I've done this, and then it may be months that that other person because I feel what happens to is the person who worked on themself in that amount of time, or the other person who left is doing anything Like if you're the one that was like, I still love him, I that we can work it out, we can do that. They're healing through the oh shit, he's not coming back, or he has another girlfriend, or she has a boyfriend, or you know, she moved out. She done this. You know, I think they are healing quicker because they got to get their shit together and they can't wait for that other person to be go. Oh, I made a mistake. I want you back.
David:They got to hurry up and and use those, those old feelings with the new person.
Rachel:Well, no phase. Yeah, they also have to be like. My new reality is this so now the person that left and has had all their fun, and then that first relationship that they left the divorce for doesn't work out, then they feel, all the feels, and you're, the other person's already healed somewhat and so they put up their boundaries. And then it's like, well, why are you being mean to me, or why are you doing this or what? Why are you?
David:because I can't.
Rachel:I left because you were like this and blah, blah blah. So I think that I think, I think what happens is depending on what role you played in the divorce. It's different.
David:I think it that that kind of plays a part, but everybody's different. I can see people who pull the trigger maybe never heal, oh yeah, no, because I mean yeah, yeah, I didn't do anything wrong Take. Take for example my mom. Yeah she still hasn't healed.
Rachel:Really yeah.
David:And this has been 40, 50 years. Yeah, and she pulled the trigger.
Rachel:So you probably blamed yourself. It's my fault, you know.
David:Oh no, she don't blame herself, no she don't blame herself.
Rachel:I heard your mom and dad's story.
David:Oh yeah, it's, it's, it's boring. They got divorced banned.
Rachel:Yeah, yeah, yeah, immediate recovery.
David:So number two this is a math problem. Linear progress, like healing, goes in a straight line. There's no bumps.
Rachel:Oh, we say it all the time it is a roller coaster. You don't just sign the papers, make the well, you don't just file, make the agreements or disagreements. The custody, the this, the finance, no, no, no. All those things weave in and out, up and down sideways. You get a windstorm, you get all these things that happen Like. You get blindsided, you get hit side of the head with a rock, you trip over the stump, there's a fork in the road, there's eight forks in the road, because if I take this path, then he wins seven paths. If I take this path, I'm going to win three and but give up five. There's all a lot. There's a lot of different things that go into this journey of divorce.
David:What do you think some of your speed bumps were?
Rachel:I'm trying to remember some of my speed bumps, like maybe financial mine was mine was anger, of course, the anger, well, mine was personal like personal in my own, in my own body, was drinking too much, not accepting what was happening, blame, guilt, all the stuff for leaving.
David:Mine was. No one would ever want me again.
Rachel:Yeah.
David:I know that was a throw big throw, yeah dude. Yeah, but I was down that road. I mean I was on the train. You were the only swipe on Tinder and everybody was like yeah, I was the conductor on that road that no one's ever going to want me.
Rachel:Yeah, well, that failure aspect the I got baggage, I did this, you know, I took her back twice, like you know. Or the I've put up with this so long. I'm not going to put up with anything else. And then the well, why did I do that? The guilt I had a lot of guilt because I left and I kept getting that thrown in my face. Well, you left, you left, you abandoned us. You did this and it was, if I didn't go, it was gonna be much worse, really bad yeah, so. I just know how we fought. I know the words that would have been used at each other. I know the ones that would be affected as the kids. So I left for my peace of mind. And again, was it fight or flight? Yes, was it. I don't know where else. I feel like a trapped animal because no one's hearing me, no one's willing to listen. I've said this for five years and now that I've made the decision, I'm an asshole because I left. Well, no, I've been saying this to you Like this needs to change, this needs to work. This needs to work this way or I need to be more part of this marriage or I'm out.
David:But the fact you were the asshole that left it worked out in the end.
Rachel:Yeah.
David:You know, when things go to shit, you don't know what's gonna happen in the end. So don't give up. Don't give up I mean it can be the worst of the worst or the worst do not give up.
Rachel:Well, and I think a lot of times too, when you start to get on a little thing, things start to like fall into place, like I got a new place. There are, you know, you meet somebody or you get a new job Small wins. Yeah, you get all these little things and then all of a sudden it's like oh, by the way, I might have to move out of the state and he's gonna come with me, or you gotta make it work so I can go do my job, so I can pay you child support. You're like what? Huh? Well, just because you're leaving doesn't mean I have to uproot him, you know. So there's a lot of little things.
David:Nuances.
Rachel:Yeah, I don't know. There's just so many things that come up, especially when there's kids. You know, for my son's going into seventh grade, I got six more years of him at home.
David:I can't tell you what it felt like when Dawson turned 18.
Rachel:Yeah.
David:It was amazing. It was almost like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Not just the alimony but just the decision making. You know, trying to vibe.
Rachel:You didn't have to go through her to get to them, yeah.
David:Yeah, no more, no more. The conductor stopped at the train station, that's it.
Rachel:Yeah, yeah, and your boundaries were these are. They're set you had boundaries, but they were never really, you know, respected.
David:They were always like gray, and they always got got questioned, but after that there was no more questioning boundaries, man, oh, it was so nice. And yeah, just wait for it, honey, wait for it. I can't tell you what it feels like.
Rachel:So, yeah, don't be discouraged if your life is a roller coaster and not that straight like you know. Direct line is for me to be.
David:And then also, with that, expecting no regrets, oh my.
Rachel:God, well, we just talked about that too. Like you know, just regrets Just because I left doesn't mean I regret it. I regret that I didn't see my marriage for what it was sooner. I didn't, I didn't. I read the thing I regret is not taking care of myself sooner.
David:The one thing that eats you up is playing arm chart, arm chart, chair quarterback.
Rachel:Yeah.
David:That right there will eat each up alive.
Rachel:Well, and I think too, like I remember the first I think we've talked about this on the podcast before I remember laughing like for the first time, like steep, like we laugh here, deep, guttural, like it was really funny, Like, and then after it happened I was crying and this is like probably before I started the podcast Roller roller coaster. I felt bad that I was happy knowing that he was miserable, because he would tell me every day how sad and whatever he was, or mad, mostly mad. And I'm laughing. My son has to go to two places. We have to make a schedule, I have to do this, I have to do all these new. I have to step on eggshells for all these things and I'm out laughing when everybody else is so sad that we're getting divorced, so you regret it.
David:laughing.
Rachel:Yeah, and I remember going I'm crying because I'm laughing and I feel guilty for laughing because my family is falling apart.
David:It's never ending bad old circle.
Rachel:Yeah, and you're like, I guess I'm a lot, but once again. It turned out all right yeah.
David:I'm here to tell you folks, it's gonna turn out all right.
Rachel:And number four fuck off, Cause we're not gonna play this game.
David:Number four instant forgiveness.
Rachel:Yeah.
David:Episode what 47.
Rachel:Yeah, okay, I love to listen to it, cause I realized how much I have grown yes, you have grown from giving no fucks. Yeah, yes, and I still don't, but it's in a different mind space.
David:Do you give no fucks? Better than you did when we did the podcast? Probably.
Rachel:I think so, but I also have the. I'm not gonna tolerate you quicker.
David:Oh.
Rachel:You're not my cup of tea right away.
David:Boundaries.
Rachel:I don't like Earl Gray, I'm only a like, you know.
David:I like Lipton, I'm old school.
Rachel:Yeah, I want you, I want you Lipton, nothing in it. I get your Earl Gray and go, yeah, forgiveness, like I like. Again, I think it's also like I sign the papers I guess I have to forgive him, or he's good where it's gonna be forgiven, or she's gonna. I had to forgive her. No, there's a lot of animosity, there's a lot of like you hold on to that because I still have a tie to that person if I haven't forgiven them right, I think that's a subconsciously to you like, well, if I haven't forgiven them, I still have to be like every day, I think about it.
David:I think sometimes not not forgiving can give you energy to be angry and mad and get through it. Yeah, so that can be the opposite.
Rachel:Yeah, I think. Well, you said too like you're angry, like that. You go like hey, I can't be angry all the time because it doesn't really fucking matter. So I guess it's forgiveness. Fuck you forgiveness.
David:And I don't believe I didn't really say that, but let's go ahead and go with that I know, but what I'm saying is you.
Rachel:You reverted to anger before forgiveness and your anger turned into forgiveness. Whether or not you're like, I forgive you, fuck you.
David:Yeah.
Rachel:Cause she not sorry.
David:I give no fucks, and this is the thing. But once again, it's not for them, it's for you, and again we've talked about this.
Rachel:I have this trigger.
David:Mind block.
Rachel:Mind block.
David:Okay.
Rachel:I have a fault.
David:I have one, there it is.
Rachel:It's forgiveness and again it comes from a space of if you continuously allow people to hurt you and then they never say sorry, and then they blow it off like it's never existed. They actually don't respect you because they know you're going to forgive them, no matter what.
David:The fact that you are are expected them to say sorry. That's unrealistic expectation.
Rachel:Yeah, but I just want someone to do it, but no one's going to do it. I don't know. I'm just going to pay someone to say sorry.
David:Nobody's going to say, hey, Rachel.
Rachel:You've been an athlete. I mean here's a hundred bucks to say you're sorry. I'm sorry, I'm going to pay for my sorry.
David:No, no, you can't, you can't pay, pay it forward.
Rachel:You see where I'm coming from. It's not like, okay, I know, I'm a mental case, but no, okay, no, I know that that's your favorite word, but no, like KNOW I know I know that's no, but no. I know, I know, I know that comes from people, my entire life Disappointing me without a story but you're in control of that.
David:No, I know, you know, you know. No, I now know.
Rachel:Okay, that no works for forgiveness to, because if someone says something to me now family, friends, whatever and it's in a space where they're trying to be Disrespectful or they're trying to test my boundaries, I'm just like in my head I'm like no, I'm not gonna let you affect me, yeah and that's a good thing only because I have fucking forgiven your fucking ass. Okay, fuck you forgiveness.
David:That's not really how it works.
Rachel:I mean I can I know someone else out there is feeling how I am I.
David:Sometimes you just want to feel like Rachel reach out to us because I think she's all better. I'm just fucking unique and probably no one else feels like that, and I'm okay with that because I'm one one soul out there that that gives fucks, and and their pissed, pissed too, just yeah, and I think that that you know we say giving no fucks is actually caring so much that you care about that person.
Rachel:You want that person to be in your life, but you have come to the realization that they are shitty. They don't get to treat you like that. And I want you to say you're fucking sorry for all the years that you've been an asshole to Me. I know I'm not gonna get the sorry. Or if they say you know it's like when they say don't ever meet your hero, like because once you meet him you're like yeah it's just a human and he just wears an outfit like.
David:Very howdy, barry. You know what?
Rachel:I mean you should meet her. I want to meet her, yeah, but I think it's One. If they, if that one person were to come say sorry to me, now I've healed so much, or the two, three, four, okay, those people have would come to me and say they're sorry, it would mean nothing because I've healed, so I have forgiven them in that sense, right. In that space, in that space, okay now, if someone said come like, say someone comes to me at work and is disrespectful and they do something, and then I stop engaging with them or stop doing, because that's what I do, I just shut you off. I shut you off. You're good, we will have an understanding. I will be professional, but don't come at me like we're friends. Now, if that person comes to me and says they're sorry, I'm gonna, I'm going to act like I did before you were insulting. I'm pretty good at that. But I don't forget that you are a dick. But I will remember that you said sorry. They said sorry, that's over. Next, the next time you disrespect me, I'm gonna be louder and not talk to you longer, and Then if you say you're sorry, I'm gonna not really listen to your sorry as much. But yeah, I am a difficult human.
David:I get it and number five yeah, feeling complete Happiness once divorce, like, like once you sign the papers.
Rachel:the it's all just gonna go away, the happiness comes out, you know.
David:Yes, yes yes, how can these come down? Yeah?
Rachel:but you have said this before and we and I have said it in some type of way that you, I don't think when you're going through divorce, you think you deserve happiness. You are no longer. You failed. You're a broken family, you're in a broken home. You're split up all your shit. You have half of what you had before. You're not doing the fun, exciting things that you did before together, right? So when you start to feel happy, you're almost like guilty. Yeah, you get the regret and the guilt and all the things and you're like, oh, I should have just stayed, I would still be unhappy, but I'd have all the things. Well, the things aren't worth it. The happiness is so worth it when you have $27 in the bank and you have to figure out how you get, get to get gas, to get home, to get to work, to get the thing, or you learn to have fun without money, because we would lose a really high lifestyle when I was married To. Oh, like I can get five wings and a soda if I go out.
David:Damn six things.
Rachel:Six. Yeah, well, wings are expensive now, since the vid. You know, those chickens didn't lay eggs, or I?
David:went to Costco the other day and I bought a 24 pack of frozen 80, 20 hamburger. Yeah, $27. Right.
Rachel:More than a dollar a patty you know how much it cost to feed those cows.
David:More than a dollar a patty.
Rachel:Do you know how much it takes to feed those cows when people aren't buying shit?
David:I want forgiveness.
Rachel:Yeah.
David:Yeah, yeah.
Rachel:I don't give a fuck. Would you buy like Wagyu steak or some shit? Wagyu steak burgers 80, 20. He had the Kobe beef burgers $27 more than a dollar.
David:a patty, who's gonna have?
Rachel:an over for dinner. Yeah, holly, berry, holly.
David:Berry Duh.
Rachel:No, I think people. I feel like when you're going through yours too, it's it's hard to feel any happiness because it's such a sad event, but you ultimately need to be working towards your happiness and, whether that's going back to a hobby or going back to school or taking time for yourself when the when the ex has the kids, do something for you. Whether it's sleep, do nothing, go out with girlfriends, boyfriends, guy friends, whatever, do your thing. But you also need to know that your happiness is worth this and you have gotten out of that situation for you, for your peace of mind and happiness.
David:Number six, believing all relationships will fail.
Rachel:I struggled with that. Yep, I struggle that.
David:It's like, why even try to date? You know, no one ever is gonna like me. I'm not gonna like them, I failed.
Rachel:If I couldn't make a relationship, if I fail here, I'll never be successful. If I couldn't make a relationship that lasted for 24 years work and we know each other inside out upside backwards.
David:Why would I pull the trigger? Yeah, pull that trigger, bitch what.
Rachel:Ha ha ha. Don't. That doesn't mean shoot your ex.
David:No, no, no, no, no no. That doesn't mean shoot your ex.
Rachel:We don't want any letters If you're out there dating and yeah, meet some people, do your thing. You need that song, do your thing.
David:If you're a hoe, hey. If you're a hoe hoe, hoe, if you're just a rubber or maybe a humper thumper, then hump, whatever your deal is you do it If you're a masturbator?
Rachel:masturbator.
David:If you're a toy person toy toy it up If you whatever takes you to get that thing just don't do it in like a public theater. We don't want to see her and don't hurt people while you do it. Yeah, and hurt yourself either, but that's okay.
Rachel:I think. I mean, I'm a kind person, I do have this like I have this.
David:All right.
Rachel:Some people say that I have this. I'm so silly and crazy that they don't know how to approach me, or like I don't know. So I think when I was going to the divorce, I was so kind to other people because I don't think they knew what I was going through, because I laughed or smiled through it, where I'm different than the person next to me.
David:And they just might be sad. I got a name for that Jersey Genesequa.
Rachel:Oh, okay, okay.
David:Jersey, Genesequa Wow.
Rachel:I like it, but yeah, so I think my abruptness and my no filter and all of that, a lot of Jersey. Yeah, so my Jersey comes out and I'm going to make the best of the situation, because if you're sad and I'm sad, well that sucks. But if I can present a happy exterior, even though I'm going through shit and you're having a bad day, I'm still going to try to make your day better. But I don't know, I think it's where was I? I lost my train of thought. I saw this little ranting yes squirrel. What have we talked about?
David:Believing our relationships were fair.
Rachel:Yeah, so I think, when you're going, I when.
David:I was going to divorce.
Rachel:I was really kind because if I was going through what I was doing, I know someone else is going through something worse. And again, one of my girlfriends she's like her husband kicked her out, locked the door but she went to work, moved. The mistress in the mistress was wearing her clothes to like I remember driving her car like all this stuff.
David:Well then, that's kind of efficient then.
Rachel:I mean, but all of her stuff was still in her house and like he tried to take the kids. So her divorce was way worse than mine. So I would like I'd be like oh that's good what you got. What you got. So I think you know when I, when I met Lance you know I had a little a tiny relationship before I met him and it was fun and exciting and it was every other weekend and it was like we were going to do something fun and you know, it was fun, right, it's a kind of mind off of it. And exact and I didn't think about the stuff right and you knew this guy wasn't.
David:oh yeah, he wasn't the lifer.
Rachel:Yeah, no he was the.
David:This is my rebound of after the whole phase, three days in a day, yeah, but the whole phase is part of the rebound, though.
Rachel:Well, I think that the my whole phase was like I got a breakfast date before work because it starts at nine, so I'm going to go and have breakfast and then lunch. He's going to bring this guy's going to bring me some food and then we'll go to dinner with a different guy and see I mean it's his play the field as much as I can to figure out what I liked and didn't like. I was with the same guy for 26 years.
David:Speaking of that number eight, no number seven, relying on a new relationship to heal. I did that a lot.
Rachel:Yeah.
David:Yeah.
Rachel:Well, and again you do that and you're going oh, it's going to fail anyway, so why not? This new relationship is going to go as long as it's going to go, and that's okay.
David:That's when you stay at it too long. Yeah, well, you said you did that too. You're going to have a year and a quarter.
Rachel:Well, I'm only three years in. So three years was my son, sunday was my three year. Diverse, diversity, diversary, yeah. But yeah, I think too like going with the new relationship is going to make you heal. I expected the relationship before Lance to heal me fully. I'm going to get all the things. I'm going to get all the fun things out. I'm going to learn all the things I hate. I like it, don't do it. It was the work in progress for the actual relationship. And then that guy fucking lied to me the whole time we were together. So I was done. I didn't need anybody. I healed in my head. You were done until you're and then you know this guy shows up and again I was like he's too nice, why is he too nice? Why are you getting married when he needs to go?
David:hunting.
Rachel:Yeah, I thought I would be like okay, when is he going to be an asshole? When is he going to say something? When is he going to be the X? When is he going to say something, like the X said, and it's going to trigger me. And then I'm just going to like I'm scared, I'm out. I'm out and it was a lot of. It was the podcast, of course me internally going he is not my ex, he is not your exes, he is not this person, he is not that you have to. And a lot of the times he would say something that my ex would say, but it was in a different talks, talks, context or tone or whatever. And I was like, oh, it doesn't affect me the same way, you know whatever. But he was also new. He was newly out of a divorce too, and so we kind of he kind of helped me figure out what was really important, what wasn't. And you know, I'm going to I don't have to prove myself to you, because I know who I am. You're new in this and you're trying to figure out who you are and prove to yourself that I'm good, that I'm going to be okay, I'm going to be there. And I think our biggest thing was I didn't have a lot of people that were always there for me. So, especially in a new relationship, you're like I'm fucking awesome and if you don't like it, there's a door. But yeah, I was like please don't go please don't go don't go away. Yeah, but yeah the case is relying on the new relationship. I mean, you can't put that on your new person, because that's going to strain it already. And you both have, I think, because we both knew what we wanted and what we want to accept. We were very intolerable of disrespect. So we knew from the beginning of our relationship, like I'm not going to say anything that's going to make you upset, because I don't want you to say anything that's going to make me upset, but we're going to talk this shit out of everything.
David:Even if you're, even if you're actually that one thing with your tongue, just don't say Hank, you do this one thing with your tongue. I'm asked that it don't. Don't do that.
Rachel:Well, yeah, we know his story, so I'm way better.
David:Don't do that.
Rachel:Well, I don't know, I don't know how better let's go ahead and keep it clean.
David:PG Number eight expecting friends to choose sides. That's an interesting one.
Rachel:That's hard.
David:Yeah, we've talked about that because, because people do choose sides and you can do nothing.
Rachel:You can do you have to sit?
David:back and just accept it.
Rachel:We got divorced in Colorado and we're from Jersey. So most of our friends back home are his friends, because he grew up there, you know, went to school, pre K to graduating, lived there, went to college there or the whole thing. I moved into his town so one of the things was he went back and told his side of the story. I didn't feel like I needed to go back and tell my side to defend myself or validate myself or do all that stuff, and a lot of those people, because they knew him longer, accepted it. So I actually remember calling him ago. I need for you, the father of my children, to keep your name out of my name out of your mouth, whether whatever you're saying is true, false and different, whatever, keep my name out of your mouth.
David:Yeah, you pull a wheel, Smith.
Rachel:Oh, I didn't slap anybody, you didn't slap him, but you slept in mentally.
David:Oh yeah, but it was more, or?
Rachel:less like my dad is buried there, my son is buried there and my best friend are there. I have no other reasons to go there if, unless I'm going to visit a friend or see Kimmy now because she's out there. I think I don't necessarily have to go there, but I'm gonna go see my best friend, I'm gonna go see my dad's grave. I'm gonna go see my son.
David:I think my son's grave.
Rachel:Yeah. So I said, for respect of the mother of your children, please stop talking about me to your friends, because obviously they have pick sides. And again, some of them are still friends with me, like on Facebook or Instagram and all those other stuff, and I'm like, why are you following me if you literally have decided don't talk to me, don't call me, don't do anything, don't say anything to me? I text and say happy Mother's Day. No response, nothing. So I get, you've decided and that's okay because you had it, but don't expect me to be there when you have something like this in your life. Well, she didn't call me because that I'm like okay, I haven't heard from you in three and a half years, four years, so we get it. And then it was funny because I was living in my best friend's parents' house and she had all the things to say about my marriage but nothing to say about her. And her shit was going down the tubes and I was the bad guy because I told her I don't really want your advice for marriage or divorce.
David:You suck.
Rachel:Yeah.
David:Number nine.
Rachel:I believe the kids won't be affected if there goes.
David:I think the older they are, the worse it is, yeah, yeah.
Rachel:Yeah, don't wait till the kids graduate college and be like, yeah, you know we stick it out, but we wanted to get divorced when you were in high school.
David:Never stay for the kids.
Rachel:Again. they've had so many more seasons with you, and I say seasons like they 25 Christmases as opposed to four, or if you get divorced when they're little or 10 or whatever. I think it's easier to make it normal the younger they are and I'm not saying you have to get divorced when they're six, but it's really hard when you're an adult, because that's all you know, and then if you have to change what you know, it's harder to change an adult or meld an adult. Well, we always do this, so this is what we're doing, and so you're gonna make conflict because now that you're divorced, you know.
David:Number 10. Expecting your ex to change after a divorce man. That's an interesting one, right there.
Rachel:You know what's funny. I was talking to a friend today and she's getting divorced. About a year on and off they were back and forth and they're finally gonna get divorced. And when I was talking to her about something in my head I was like my ex now with his girlfriend is the husband. I wish I had the way he talks to her and tells his mom off for her or, you know, puts her needs first, like those little things of, so you set her up.
David:Basically, you're welcome.
Rachel:But knowing that for as long as I was because they've only been together a year the long as I was in it he's gonna I mean his mom's older, so it probably won't be the same dynamic, of course, but she's not as feisty I was like, really, if you would have done that for us, or you would have put your foot down or made me first, because I always think the husband and wife need to be first, and then the kids, because if you don't have a solid base, what were you at? So I'm like, if you would have put us first, not your job, not your boss, not the kids, not your mom, not your brother, not the thing. And I was kind of just like waving from a boat and you all are on your little island. We could have still been together. Am I happy where I am?
David:Yes, but you can see like he hasn't changed.
Rachel:Changed but he has done better in a relationship era, in a relationship center.
David:I don't have very much to say about number 10.
Rachel:No Cause, you know.
David:Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening, folks.
Rachel:This is how it ends now. That's it.
David:Stop talking. I've got nothing. Number 10.
Rachel:Rachel, stop it.
David:Not my thing Well yours hasn't changed. I don't think so because I'm realistic about it.
Rachel:I mean, that is your favorite word.
David:Yeah, expectations baby, they are high.
Rachel:Well, and again, I think we put expectations on how we think people should talk to us and treat us. And then you're like why? There's a saying I don't know the exact one, but it's like you can't expect people to treat you how you treat them. Like if I know I'm a good person and most of the time when I'm trying to speak to someone or help somebody, it is a wholeheartedly. I don't want you to feel sad, I don't want you to struggle, I don't want you to feel sick. I won't. I don't want this. A lot of people aren't like that. A lot of people are selfish in them, but they're like well, she's a nurse, let me just call her for advice. I don't have to go to the doctor, she's a nurse, I'm going to do this. She, I have this rash and she'll tell me like go get this, this and this, so don't have to pay my copay. There's people like that, right? So there's Dennis. Hey, david, can you wire my mouth shut? Like so again there, you can't expect everybody to be the same human that you are.
David:You have to take people as they come.
Rachel:And you have to.
David:And not expect them to be different.
Rachel:No, and the other thing too, is when someone shows you who they are believe them, accept it, believe them. They're showing you and they're not going to change because you said you know what I don't like, that I don't like how you're talking, they're not going to change.
David:Oh no. So, that's why they don't deserve forgiveness.
Rachel:Fuck forgiveness.
David:What a way to end the podcast. Oh my God.
Rachel:I was going to say. Rachel's last words were fuck. Forgiveness, but I have to keep talking because the light is still on my face.
David:That should be like a, like a song, like a rap song. Fuck, forgiveness.
Rachel:I mean, you heard it here, folks, David the DJ, and fuck forgiveness, fuck forgiveness. Well, if you're going through a divorce, you're newly, you're thinking about a divorce, or you're in the process of filing or signing or whatever.
David:Oh, you're done.
Rachel:Just know that unrealistic expectations of what's going to happen. You can think it to death and it's not going to be the same, it's not going to be what you expect and it's not going to go as easily. I mean, there are amicable, we love our guests. But just because you think, oh, I'm just going to go in there and sign the paper and then I'm going to be done and I'm not going to have any emotions, I'm not going to have any feelings and I'm going to be over and I don't ever have to see their face again. Now, it's not works. That's not how it works, and you're not going to think about them in three years or five years or two weeks or whatever. Something's going to remind you of them. Songs going to play, the holiday comes up. There's a lot of shit that crosses your path and that you don't realize you need to work through when you're first born. Fuck, forgiveness, fuck, forgiveness Fuck forgiveness.
David:I love you. Bye, all right. Well, thanks for listening to 10 Ways to God. You got me boom.
Rachel:I know right.
David:It's 10 unrealistic expectations of a divorce because of every hand or a divorce.
Rachel:Yeah.
David:So, Life. Have any questions.
Rachel:Fuck forgiveness.
David:Send us an email, but fuck forgiveness.
Rachel:Love you bye, bye, bye.
